DOS GARDENIAS

...para ti.
con ellas quiero decir.
te quiero, te adoro, mi vida.

i mourn for the entry i have just removed.

but this event will stay deeply etched in my heart, for this is the FIRST TIME i have been obligated to do so.

taking down that entry went against every de-oxygenated blood carrying vessel in me.

but i HAD TO. because they insinuated just that strongly that i HAD TO.

i weep for those who think i'm warped.

i'm am a living, breathing human being.

i cry sometimes, when rain falls upon my skin. because i can feel it. because i am alive.

I AM ALIVE.

it sure is liberating...saying it out loud.

when people get so focused on a certain something, they simply refuse to see things any other way.

now i tend to provide a flip side to everything. there's no good or bad, just a flip side.

i get irked when people then start their responses with "but you can't look at it this way..."

why can't i?

if you can see it one way, why can't i see it the other?

is it that wrong of me to see it this way, and not the other?

and then they'll say "look...you are getting this all wrong..."

thank you for, time and again, telling me that i am wrong.

and so, i weep for those who claim to understand me but refuse to accept the way i think.

and...

i hold a moment's silence for myself.

for not being able to take care of myself...again.

can the words "selfish" and "love" be in the same sentence?

as in...how can it not be selfish to ask for love?

you are asking me to love you...being fully aware that i am in no state to do so right now (because i told you). you must know that deep down, i still possess that kinda love. now's just not the time for me to express it.

so knowing how much pain i'm in, you're openly asking me to love you.

i tell you i can't.

you tell me to love you, again.

i said "let me be selfish for this once so i can take care of myself first".

you, again, TELL me to love you.

so i posed this question to you...

"isn't it selfish of you now, knowing that my wellbeing is at stake, and still literally forcing me to do something i'm incapable of doing right now?"

and you said...

"but asking for love is not selfish."

why isn't it?

after all, you ARE asking for something. something that you know is hard for me to produce at this point.

if you are forcing it out of me, aren't you thinking of yourself still? you want me to say "yes, i will love you" because it will, essentially, make you feel better.

HOW IS ASKING SOMEONE, WHO IS INCAPABLE OF GIVING THAT PART OF HER, FOR LOVE NOT A SELFISH ACT?

you think "selfish" is an ugly word.

let me be ugly then. call me whatever you want to. just let me be for a while.

i lay down two gardenias for my reality.

i am sorry for the people who discount you.