THE BEST TESTAMENT OF GOOD PARENTING

here i am
this is me
there's no where in this place
i'd rather be.

i choose to live it out.

the pain, the resistance, the jibes.

i will not look for a distraction.

i choose to stand alone.

right here.

right now.

i can do this, mom.

no worries. =)

not worth it.

not fucking worth it.

just bloody hate me already.

it'll save us all some trouble.

I'LL BE

i'll be the greatest fan of your life.

out of the pains and oddities of life (yes i'm making up for yesterday's 'i am angry' post), i've taken on counting my blessings.

i thank the people around me for simply being around...

the fellas who've offered to drive me back home...

the ones who remember my favorite things...

and the girls who laugh and cry with me.

believe it or not, all these people are from my salsa social circle.

which means i've never had such relations until last year.

oh well.

the smallest details.

i had only quipped this once that i liked a certain song.

my friend dropped me off at home late last night.

after i came outta the shower, i got a message from him saying "your favorite song on 98.7 =)".

it was too late to catch it by then.

but it's the little things like this that gets me smiling.

this shy bloke, who hardly talks to anyone and who's only heard "my favorite song" with me this once, smsed me to tell me that it's playing.

another friend pondered if he should send me a "somebody loves you" sms but figured that i'd be too freaked to feel warm and fuzzy. =P

i woke up this morning feeling kinda blue
when i stumbled outta bed and dragged my feet across the room
right outside my front door was a rose and a note that said
"somebody loves you"

i suppose this is what i mean...

take a look at the ordinary
don't need to look for paradise
you could be next to an angel in disguise.

thank you all, for at various points, being my angel in disguise.

it is with this thought that i carry on my day with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. =)

HABLE CON ELLA

i'm a very angry girl.

very angry.

my knuckles turned white.

but you wouldn't know.

*patience, dear girl. patience. and understanding. and make lotsa time.

LOVE, ME

i'll be there when my chores are through
i don't know how long i'll be.

oddness.

someone isn't telling me everything.

i feel it in my bones.

and it don't feel good.

i feel like a reserve chute.

OLD MAN AND ME

the crippled old man riding his bike one year back?

i saw him again.

the same raw emotions surfaced.

SWEET CAROLINE

good times never seemed so good.

i snipped all my hair off a year back.

the first three quarters of the year were relatively quiet.

the final quarter, though, saw a whole flurry of activity, blood, sweat and tears.

it also saw actual men coming into my seemingly asexual (ashley's word) life.

and yeah, my hair was growing out.

coincidence?

in other news...

the beacon and i had dinner last night and while we were being tempted left, right and center to head to the club for salsa, we decided to sit the night out. =)

someone rationalized i needed to get at least one new article of clothing for chinese new year, so i checked out this seemingly "me" top...with a huge hole at the back.

so we were trying to figure out how to wear a bra with that gaping hole behind.

i figured the beauty of the hole was to show off some skin, and there shouldn't be any other pieces of clothing obstructing the looker's view of the back.

we fiddled around with the idea of wearing a tube, or a stick-on bra...

in the end, i think the only way to keep that top in its nice, original form is to go bra-less.

then i won't have to worry about my strapless bra or tube slipping as i dance.

now don't go getting any funny ideas.

ATTITUDE OR THE LACK OF

the subject of the book i'm reading now refers to humankind as the Land of Matter and Perception.

people assign things or others a certain value.

so it's with this perceived value that the "valuated" gets a beating or boost to his ego.

and because value is subjective, your value lies in the eyes of the beholder.

for example, an employer may offer you a higher form of reward to poach you from your current vocation because he places a higher value on your intellect.

your peers may be baffled at how you are being headhunted because they know not your skill sets and can't see how they could be so valuable to an entity.

just like profit is a perceived value by an accountant, your skills are only valuable to your employer/employer-to-be.

because some of us bypass profit and head straight to free cash flow.

i had assigned someone a high valuation some time back.

i valued his skill sets and personality.

since then, while his skill sets remain, his personality has evolved.

apparently, many others had valued him the same way i did and that's why his personality has changed.

am i an authority on this figure? surely not. but i'm an onlooker who's neutral as neutral can be.

and from my perspective, this person has valued himself to be somewhat indispensible.

however, a slightly bigger ego does not change the cold, hard fact that his skills are still admirable.

i have re-valued this individual.

he's a HOLD.

of course, if you're looking at pure fundamentals, this person is still a BUY.

but being somewhat risk-adverse when it comes to investment, i let my interaction with him guide me.

just like i wouldn't buy into a company because it's got a pompous CEO who patronizes me.

and no matter how hard you try to hold it back...

come before me and you crumble.

but your blood runs through my veins...

so why?

why do you fear me?

i'm just...me.

meek little me.

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

there's something in your eyes
something in your smile
something in the way you move me

makes me want to sing
makes me want to dance
makes me want to cry

i'm falling in love with you.

that's the x-factor for me.

if someone can make me want to sing, dance and cry all at once...and i still manage to keep my cool...

then he's the one.

the song that runs after this is...

FALL TO FLY

i was strong i was proud
keeping both feet on the ground

i feared love like i feared heights
i just didn't realize...

that i could fall to fly.

i'm glad i fell. =)

painful as the aftermath was, i liked how i was able to have someone else on my mind.

i often thought of him as i walked the stores, or had my meal breaks...wondering if he would need some perking up after his long day at work.

i liked hugging him because it conveyed so much more than i could ever say.

i enjoyed watching his chest rise up and down as he slept on the nights i lay awake next to him (i'm a light sleeper and i simply couldn't bear to wake him up).

and when i got too tired, i leaned over to kiss him so he would flinch and i could sneak under his arms.

on the nights i did sleep though, i loved waking up next to him.

most of all, i loved writing about how happy i was, without explicitly stating so. =)

the most peaceful times i've ever had was when i had someone i love lying next to me.

my brother has stayed over a couple of times and us waking up next to each other is the coolest thing in the world.

considering how much my brother and i have both been through in our individual lives, it's odd how we've managed to gel together such that no one can touch us.

he is the only person in this world who loves me unconditionally, and comes to my aid without question.

he stayed with me through that horrible, horrible day.

my baby brother.

i will never be able to get the image of his fragile 12-year-old frame in that bed out of my head.

to remember that i almost lost him is the most painful thing in the world.

and it is because of that one memory that i know nothing else that happens will even come close to hurting me as much.

the few who really know what i've been through would also know how i felt then, dealing with those issues.

and it's also those few who truly know how nothing i've gone through in recent times would come close to how i've lived my life before.

i get breathless sobbing in the corner of my bed...thinking about the people who've filtered in and out of my life, the people who've stayed, the people who've returned to ask for me.

but with every thought, another brick is laid.

i had never believed in romantic love, even as i hoped for it.

i thought i could be proven wrong but no...it just reaffirms that perhaps i am not capable of garnering a love that's unconditional.

i am disillusioned with love.

and i will not trust my gut or emotions without thought again.

i was right.

if you tell me your love for me isn't unconditional, then do not love me at all.

for if i were to love you, i would aspire to love you unconditionally.

without question, without doubt.

*Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.*

i'm cheapening the word by mentioning it the thousandth time.

disgusting.

i've fallen.

and now, i shall fly.

watch me.

THE END OF THE WORLD

why do the stars go on shining
why does the sea rush to shore
don't they know it's the end of the world...

i can't eat.

i don't know why.

and for someone who loves food, this is probably one of the more difficult things i have to deal with right now.

oh please...not again. =(

SORRY, I

for most of today, my brain was in my tummy.

to go or not to go.

i felt so numb i seriously couldn't feel anything.

both in my gut and emotionally.

i just lay there. and decided whether to go, or not.

so there i was, floating about until one of my boys decided to ask me when i was going back to ycsog.

"one year ago, you said you needed to take a one year break. so when are you coming back?"

so now, i'm guilt-tripped into going for lion dance with my boys over the chinese new year period and attending the group reunion dinner.

this time last year, i was certain i'd be back within a year.

though with the studio, work, the SHINE committee and all that jazz, i'm not sure if i can fully immerse myself into scouting activities again.

i know i'd be hosting the president's scout award this year at the istana though.

if i dedicate all my time to the above, social dancing would become a thing of the past in no time...and that, i cannot allow to happen.

the social life might even become non-existent.

hmm.

but i miss my boys.

sigh...what's a busy girl to do?

EL DIA

as el dia draws nearer with each busy day, i sense the apprehension.

desperate as i am to push it away, it seems to be charging at me like a raging bull. with horns.

it's already mid january.

from now till then, i hope something big happens to make me fear it less.

"be careful what you wish for - you might just get it."

as el dia draws nearer, i'm reminded of how the one thing i truly yearned for has always slipped from my fingers.

nothing that's happened since then has ever come close to the hurt and disappointment of that subject.

how ironic it is that one has tried to make whatever trivialities i've wished for come true.

i know you want for me to be happy.

thank you.

on another vein, it was a sunny day as the HAM and i walked up the steps to my office.

and so he quipped that he doesn't think it'll rain since it's been so wet the last few days and the sun would stay out a little longer now.

of course, i had to go "eh, don't say so soon. sekali later it rains on us how?"

as soon as we stepped into the opening at the second floor, the patter started.

the HAM and i looked at each other, and almost collapsed onto the floor in laughter.

me and my big mouth.

i hate myself and i want to die.

i think i'm gonna enjoy reading prozac nation. =P

you are like the brown.

further down my back.

reaching towards my waist.

but you will never be.

OF MOZZIES AND A THOUSAND LAKES

the lakes weren't all that but the mozzies were out in full force to get some.

in a matter of five minutes, i got no less than four bites on my arms and tummy.

i should've expected it, since the clouds were sifting my way while i waited for the cabby to find his way into the depths of jalan lekar...where qian hu fish farm is.

so brolly in one hand and the mobile in the other, i could hardly fend those buggers off.

oh well. they got me good.

work's been a bitch today...so it's back to the office in a few hours to do the qian hu story.

eyes wide shut.

DANCE WITH MY FATHER

shock graduated to awkwardness, and then to familiarity.

i bumped into my father at a seminar i attended this evening.

when i saw him, i didn't know how to respond.

but work instincts took over and i just waved hi and went about my chores.

of course, when i was done with work, i went to chat him up.

the new colleague said i look like my dad.

i remember my relatives saying how i looked exactly like him when i was born.

according to my mom, i have the same temperament as him too.

i'm as stubborn as the guy...and that makes our disagreements practically unresolvable without a mediator.

but now that i've taken that relationship out of the house, our exchanges have taken on a whole new meaning.

strange as it may seem, things are actually getting better.

in a recent terrifying incident, the one person i thought of calling was him.

because it sure felt like only he would swoop by and save me without question.

imagine...how strained relations were at one time, yet he remains the one person my thoughts ran to in the carpark that night.

THE X-FACTOR

what exactly does one mean when he says a person's got the x-factor?

is it a term strictly pertaining to looks, personality, feel?

when people are asked how they feel about the x, they simply shrug and say "i don't know what it is, but she's got it."

hmm.

so i can only deduce that the letter "x" is used in "x-factor" as it would be in an algebraic equation.

it is to be replaced by some word or something.

and it need not be positive.

HOLES IN THE FLOOR OF HEAVEN

wet knees down.

to save money on dancing so i could squander it on cab fares to places i could've walked to.

stop raining on me already.

STARS

each time i look at the stars
i realize just how small we are.

stars shine our way tonight.

each time i look at the stars
i feel you're there with me
up amongst the stars of our destiny.

the walk back home always touches different senses in varying ways.

tonight, the senses of smell and sight were raging.

the faint sting of chlorine interrupted the fresh, post-rain night air, while the constellations in the cloudless sky ignited reminiscence.

STARS kept ringing in my head and i simply had to sing it.

i was in secondary two the first time i heard that song...and it stuck, like it's not what i imagined did.

it was from a local musical called "big bang" - a story on Stephen Hawking.

musical theater numbers have a way of getting to me.

one other that comes to mind right now is someone like you from the broadway musical "jekyll and hyde".

but if someone like you
found someone like me
then suddenly nothing would ever be the same
my heart would take wing
and i'd feel so alive
if someone like you found me.

i remember wanting to sing this for the recital, but exchanged it for the slicker lady is a tramp.

i suppose i could do it better since i could relate to it more. =P

cynthia lee aka "ah girl" in the channel i sitcom sang too fancy.

and that was the only version i've heard.

debbie gibson's "think with your heart" album is totally defunked and off the shelves...and well, so is the song, unfortunately.

i like a man who can roll up his jeans
and wade in the water
and still have some dreams.

i like a man who can understand
simplicity.

uhhuh.

men who want to wine and dine me can.

but they need not apply for the position of "partner".

give me some courtside seats
i want my nose to bleed
he's just too fancy for me.

=)

you are like the brown.

fading with each shower.

falling as the black grows out.

touching my shoulders, the nape of my neck.

the brown still coats the black.

undeniably true.

TWO LESS LONELY PEOPLE

air supply couldn't have gotten better than this.

as people find love in throves, two less lonely people every second.

love, actually is such a celebration of love in all forms.

he loved her silently and painfully.

he minimized contact with her so he wouldn't be caught loving her.

so she thought he hated her.

but really, he loved her.

i can relate to that.

she gave up any chance of love for the security of loving her sick brother.

i can relate to that.

circumstances can bring people together.

though the exact same can also be the reason for one to painfully reject another.

TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT

RAIN ON ME

i try to smile my tears away
i try to keep my cool
oh but one more door gets in my way
i feel like such a fool.

tremble and bitter
my heart just wants to bleed and stop
believing in me.

LITTLE SUPERHERO GIRL

save me from myself.

desperation called for such measures.

i had a knack for victimizing myself...and while i knew the rest of the world wasn't at fault for my predicaments, it sure felt a lot easier not blaming myself.

then after some rationalizing, i began to strike myself out for all the situations i get into.

even though it was of no doing of my own that got me into such fixes, i sure didn't help the situations by standing around and letting them happen.

so last year, even though it was a reactive stance, i literally created breathing space for myself.

it's ironic how i'd learn to take the bull by its horns and yank it aside when i was at my lowest some two years back.

i was depressed...and sane enough to help myself outta what could have been extremely detrimental to my mental health in the long run.

staying with the airline.

it's a process...tears and all.

you cry, wipe it up, and hope there'll be sun the next morning.

but no.

there isn't sun today.

i feel like a little girl, trying to conquer the whole wide world.

STARLIGHT, STARBRIGHT

wishing on the first star of the night
i wish i may, i wish i might...

i woke up this morning with a strong impetus to dance...and so, i did. tonight.

all was well, i suppose, until i got a whiff of some cigar smoke.

so i headed out into the night to inhale some unfettered, musty air.

turns out that was the most peaceful 10 minutes i had of the day.

emotion just swept over me like a tidal wave, but yes, i still felt strangely at peace.

no breathing space to grieve.

back to the night...it was a good one, though my dances sucked.

every single one of them.

for starters, i will sit out on certain dances for the time being.

it is a cold, hard night.

i wish someone would just hold my hand.

just give it one tight squeeze.

it'll pass...

as usual.

SOPHIE'S WORLD

i feel an odd energy to give sophie's world a renewed shot.

tonight will be a good time. =)

and thereafter...DESCARTES!

time to pump up that grey matter.

EVERYTHING IN ITS TIME

sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
how long till my hunger is fed
they say it's hard to make it
in this part of town

so many people on this merry-go-round.

there are a thousand reasons
why i should give up
but i'm stubborn in the things i believe.

a short interview yesterday forced me to revisit everything i've ever done.

at the end of it, everything worth mentioning was volunteer-work-based.

how ironic, when we mused how we'd be rich if we could make money outta that kinda work.

but we wouldn't then find such joy in doing as much as we've done...and remain poor ol' sods. =)

i feel my mind falling into a lull trap.


the new desk in the new office

i'm stumped, after a day of moving.

but my cranium's crying out for some stimulation.

so go on...

challenge me. =)

HOLD MY HAND

i want you to hold my hand.

hootie and the blowfish probably were talking about more than plain romantic love when they wrote this song.

and so it goes...humans with hearts move on.

and what of those without? they simply stay put, not knowing what to do. but yes, their heads still work, i think.

so congrats to you.

and good luck to me. =)

what's the deal with a cold on a hot sunny day?
is it someone's way of saying "you've had too much play?"

what's the deal with a rainbow after raining on your parade?
is it his way of saying "regretfully, 'twas something i couldn't aid?"

what's the deal with bruises after a night out at the club?
man...i think i could answer this one.

i'm sick, cold and bruised.

I'M NOT

buy me a penthouse on the uppermost floor
give me some rocks you know i'll adore.

whisk me around in your red-hot chevvy
get the girls on the floor green with envy.

you think i'm all that, don't you?

a hiatus from day to day happenings.

let's have some real writing.

PICTURE POSTCARDS FROM L.A.

signed with love forevermore.

some overdue pictures from the week that's past...


bakersloo line at istana park

it was a raining evening and the bands had to move to the sheltered area, facing...well, nothing.

the crowd was sparse, but hey...we enjoyed ourselves anyhow.


me and waihwang

one of the first few pictures of the paparazzi at glo's christmas party.

the guy who's usually behind the camera was sweet enough to sit in on this one with me. =)


chocolate chip ice cream

yuli was going around feeding everyone ice cream.

i'm pretty sure everyone had the same expression when she fed them...not.

paparazzi was good on this one. dang.


the temptations

us three did quite a few things together.

together with daphne, we form "the circle of trust." =)

and with the circle of trust fully gathered, the paparazzi decided to take a break from tabloid photography and sit in on the picture again...=)


(clockwise)yuli, ling, me, daphne, waihwang

it was cool and fun.


the sister and me

i think we both had better exchange genders...just to maintain gender equilibrium.


cosmopolitans

all salsa-crazed people gathered in one room.

imagine the sound system massacre that took place after.


talk about coincidences

i met my secondary schoolmate at a year-end dinner Viva performed at.

of course, his colleagues were teasing him about picking up one of the dancers...haha.

oh well, too tired to jot down any insight.

the student, his email and pepper crabs.

the saving graces of the day.

i'm sorry the beach had to wait.

i desperately need to scream.

you know how creepy that is.

read it again...

"i desperately need to scream."

if i can be so calm telling you that i need the outlet, then you should really be afraid.

HELP

i need somebody.

STAY AWAY FROM ME.

JUST...STAY AWAY.

i'm NEVER right, just always wrong.

and i don't understand things, it seems.

so yes, love me for all the wrong reasons.

that's what relationships are, aren't they?

and you...yes you...

you've been saying things about me.

go on.

say it.

publicize what you think you know.

if i'm worth that much of your time to gossip about, i'm very flattered.

but if i don't know you personally, i wouldn't even comment.

because my friends would ask me about things and not mutter behind my back.

and if you're a friend who does that.

hurray.

well thank the heavens for you.

thank you all for bringing back the angsty me.

i believe i'd be able to write a lot better in the days to come.

IF I WAS THE ONE

who was loving you
the only tears you cry will be tears of joy
and if i were by your side
you'll never know one lonely night

and if it were my arms you were running to
feel the love in these arms of mine
if i was the one
in your eyes.

from centerstage, a movie about loving the dance, whether conventional or not.

most times, you'll have major odds to beat.

i had...and am still trying to beat some.

though some people around me make it all more bearable.

christmas day sucked.

well actually, past midnight sucked.

glo was a fantastic host, as usual, and the party went great.

but i was in such a foul mood i wished i hadn't gone to the party at all and created such trouble for some of those around.

it was something i couldn't manage, and so, had to yank a couple of friends in to help.

gosh, i should bloody well trust my own instincts.

the next time my gut tells me something shitty's gonna happen, i should just trust it.

and not go.

yes, i'm still feeling guilty of causing my friends such trouble when they should've been having the night of the season.

SANTA BABY

come and trim my christmas tree
with some decorations from Tiffany's

the mother wasn't surprised. haha.

christmas eve dinner at the aunt's wasn't all that bad.

'twas pretty toned down this year, except for the car ride back to my place.

the cousin tailgated, swore and grumbled at slow drivers.

this, when she doesn't quite keep to her own lane.

anyways, the roomie and i had a late breakfast at ya kun @ parkway parade and we did some grocery shopping as well.

because we deplete eggs like gaston ala beauty and the beast, we bought 20 instead of the usual 10.

we were even contemplating the tray of 30. =P

the aunt gave me a sandwich toaster yesterday, and roomie J and i bought bread and tuna just because.

hmm...i had plenty of wisecracks to write about, but things just aren't flowing this afternoon.

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

let your heart be light.

it ain't easy.

i got home about three hours back and have been winding down.

then the friend calls me up and orders me to get ready in 15 minutes.

we're going to have ice cream.

craziness i tell ya.

this christmas IS different.

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL

the smile on your face
lets me know that you need me
there's a truth in your eyes
saying you'll never leave me

the touch of your hand
says you'll catch me
whenever i fall

you say it best
when you say nothing at all

i never attached as much to this song until just.

when i replayed the recording of jason singing it to his wife.

sigh. (a happy and romantic one) =P

ON MY OWN

pretending he's beside me
all alone, i walk with him till morning
without him, i feel his arms around me
and when i lose my way i close my eyes
and he has found me.

i love him
but when the night is over
he is gone, the river's just a river
without him, the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers.

i love him
but everyday i'm learning
all my life, i've only been pretending
without me, his world will go on turning
the world is full of happiness that i have never known.

i love him
but only on my own.

from the day i watched les miz as a primary school kid to the day i watched it again as a young adult, eponine has been my favorite character, and "on my own", my favorite song.

god only knows why i would relate to eponine at such a young age.

and only he knows why i would tell marco that i miss everyone...even though they're all around me.

i have a friend who's in canada now, telling me he thinks we'll have loadsa fun catching musicals and eating hotdogs off the stands in manhattan.

another acquaintance who tells me that his first impression of me was funness (in a non-risque sorta way).

and one more fella who tells me i'm "sunshine". yes, cheesy, but he was trying to make me smile.

no matter how upbeat i've tried to keep myself over the past couple of weeks, it's obvious that i've sunken down to a new low.

of course, add to that how someone wants to slap me for almost taking his life away, as he puts it.

and to top it off, he goes "merry christmas shiyin."

hurray.

it sure seems like i'm the new bitch on the block.

if being straight and holding back no punches renders me a bitch, then i suppose i've always been one. =)

so merry christmas to you too, boon.

as for the one guy i was proud to call my boyfriend...

you were the best thing that's happened to me in my young adult life.

if i hadn't loved you when we got together, i loved you when we left for home.

besides my scout brothers, you were the only one i've extended my left hand to.

and it will still be there for you.

whenever you feel ready to take it again.

from the depths of my heart,

take care, soon leong.

this has been the most eventful year for me yet.

and somehow, i know it's only just begun.

may the following year bring on more activity, blossom friendship and love.

major hugs and kisses to you who reads this.

merry christmas.

PARTY IN THE PARK

calling out around the world...

who: bakersloo line (yes they got their name from the london tube station)

what: some charity concert

when: tonight, 2030hrs (i think, since we're supposed to be there at 2000hrs for the soundcheck)

where: istana park, directly opposite the istana and plaza singapura

why: uh...because you wanna get into the chillin' christmas spirit? =) and of course, to watch me make a fool of myself yelling gloria gayner's I WILL SURVIVE!!!!

catch ya there!

hmm.

not well.

LET IT GO

i think we've been here before
i recognize this place
i've seen the mark of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace

i don't wanna play anymore
not when the stakes are so high
so before we circle around once more
can we lay down
lay down this pride

let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion
on this tit for tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go

don't go wasting your emotion
no one wins if we keep score

let it go
let it be
let it go.

i requested the band to replace "i will survive" with "if i ain't got you".

thought i might have the sass to carry it off now.

i've often been villianized, simply because of the way i do things.

in being villianized by some, others victimize me.

they victimize me by empathizing with me, or even sympathizing.

i do not ask for sympathy, empathy is fine.

very often, i've come out from adversity in one piece because i'm used to dealing with such on my own.

though a couple of weeks back, i felt so desperate that i called my friend up, sobbing and laughing at the same time.

he thought i had gone nuts.

i was sobbing out of shock and pain, but laughing because i couldn't believe my motor skills controlled my picking up the phone and calling my friend.

oh well.

hate me.

you know you want to.

MITTAGESSEN

this is what memories are made of...


the motley crew

merry christmas you two.

I GOT RHYTHM

arms and tummy's aching from my light body conditioning session last night before training.

we managed to get down most of the choreo...though things could be a lot better on my side. =(

me and my clumsy self managed to add on to the accumulative bruises on my elbows, hips and knees and that huge scar on my thigh.

looks like i won't be wearing shorts for a while.

the guys are trying to get me to wear a santarina outfit for friday's gig. i stopped at the hat.

latest events have got me going back to the "if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself" mentality.

sigh.

and people ask me to trust them.

BELIEVE

believe in what you feel inside
and give your dreams the wings to fly
you have everything you need
if you just believe

i walked under the christmas lights tonight.

before this, i had ridden under it.

it was interesting.

even as i was walking down the strip alone, it didn't feel like before.

of course, the lights still perpetuated the "lonely" bit, but something just felt different.

maybe the hair's got something to do with it.

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC

things are looking up for christmas.

i may be singing at the istana park with bakersloo line this friday...=)

if this goes through, it'll be the first time i'll sing with the band in PUBLIC.

it'll be nice to jam with trev and jas again. they're excellent musicians.

check this out...


the goofball me

if this isn't some semblance of normalcy, i don't know what is.

back to warm vanilla goodness. =)

soon leong,

scouts' left hand shake?

shiyin.

ENAMORADO DE TI

the night sky's clear today.

i managed to catch the constellations you told me about that night.

just caught "perhaps, love" with the gang.

no words.

no words.

still in a daze with oscillating emotions.

i loved it.

geez.

a friend reminded me that i really started salsa on a cruise ship.

and that was a little more than a year back.

reminiscing. =)

ONLY LOVE

don't turn away, it's only love
quietly coming to you
whispering through you...

the song comes from the scarlet pimpernel.

his wife found out about his secret identity and didn't tell him.

and when he found out that she knew, he turned her away...and she sang this to him.

i wish i'd never have to sing this to anyone.

and that i would never have to convince anyone of my love for him.

because i will love him.

take my hand, it's only love
let it come to you slowly
don't be afraid, it's only love.

oh shit.

hmm.

let's wait a couple more days before i make a deduction.

KEYS

we just got the keys to our new place. =)

on the 100 back from raffles place, i passed some landmarks...

1) victoria theater.

and i saw you walking towards me.

2) raffles hotel, in all its christmas glory.

twist of fate.

christmas.

i tell you...it's the freakin' end-of-year syndrome.

TOO FANCY (Part II)

give me some courtside seats
i want my nose to bleed
he's just too fancy for me.

i keep having les miz's "on my own" replaying in my head.

and since the whole wide world knows...

it's painful, but i'll get through it.

sheryl crow was right.

first cut IS the deepest.

though contrary to what people try to do, i don't hate.

believe it or not, the feelings are still very much alive.

but i'm a realist, and i know what i have to do.

and this is what i need to do.

call me selfish. =)

IT'S NOT EASY

...to be me.

i got elbowed in the head tonight.

should've seen it coming, but oh well.

spent a good minute tearing at the red chairs near the entrance, not daring to look up at the few crowding around me.

am tired.

shouldn't have gone to union. =(

there were a few saving graces though.

thank you.

ANYTHING GOES

in olden days a glimpse of stocking was
looked on as something shocking
now heaven knows...
anything goes.

cole porter has always held a special place in my heart.

it isn't his persona (as portrayed in the movie de-lovely) that attracts me so, but his music.

remember the refrains from that adidas commercial of ella fitzgerald crooning "too darn hot"?

yum.

i even remember kissing someone i love ever so dearly to porter's "let's do it (let's fall in love)".

but to love painfully, and not blissfully, is something i can't do.

because i love myself even more.

i remember this once when a friend in poly told me this...

"you really ought to just let someone into your life so at least there's someone to take care of you."

and i just retorted...

"why do you think think i need someone to take care of me?"

it's been a trend...people telling me that i need to be taken care of.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOOK AFTER ME.

i'm no damsel in distress and i certainly need no white knight on a dark stallion.

yes, i appreciate your care and you watching out for me.

but i do not NEED someone to care for me.

maybe i want it.

though not right now, i don't.

so whoever you are, stay away from me.

and that includes you, you and you.

on a brighter note, certain company has made such crazy times more bearable...


my ride and his other passenger

the silent presence you need sometimes, may not be the one you're with.

he may just be there.


my ride and me

okay, i shall stop calling him my ride...he's wayne.

and if you remember, he's the one in those scandalous pictures of weeks past.


some people say...

we have "fu qi xiang", which means we kinda look like a couple.

though i'd prefer to see our resemblance as sibling-ish. =)

merry christmas, shiyin darling.

love you.

INSEPERABLE

and like a flower to a tree
like words to a melody...

it's raining.

ah...release.

thanks for crying on my behalf.

go on.

POUR.

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL

literally.

not the way ronan keating sings it.

on my way in to work today, i felt an overwhelming wave of sadness.

i resisted the urge to cry right there and then.

even now, i'm still resisting.

grow up now, little girl.

your hair's grown out.

SITTING ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY

wasting time.

the megatron wants me to have some time off.

unlike other bosses hidden behind velvet curtains, this one thought the time i took for my tunisian mission wasn't "rest" enough...=)

so yes, i'm getting time off.

though this just means i can spend more time on Caliente and moving.

and by a pure stroke of fate, roomie J's got the same time off as well.

what're the chances? =P

it's amazing how circumstances bring two people together.

CHESTNUTS

i fell asleep twice.

yes, with my head hanging.

while everyone was laughing away.

i'm THAT tired.

fifty bucks down the dunny that was.

I KNOW PEOPLE

...who know people...

yes cookie, this post is for you.

thank you for your concern.

the sstt will forever remain that wolf pack.

and no one screws with any of us.

any of us.

elmie, ernie, bert, bird, big momma: i know you're watching my back. =)

it's amazing how news gets around, sifting through unconnected channels.

THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT

and i can't explain
but there's something about the way you look tonight...

is it the way she smiles?

or the way she dresses?

or perhaps, the way she moves?

i suppose you can never quite put your finger to why you might like her so.

you find her a mystery...an inspirationally contagious mystery.

everything about her just is.

she knows because you tell her.

and she appreciates it.

because the more ambiguous your description of like is, the more she knows it isn't about how she looks, just standing there.

and the more you try to rationalize why you love her, the more you'll lose it.

there're some things you really don't need to have an answer to.

you simply need to just smile, nod, take her hand...

...and dance. =)

MOVING ON UP

we're moving in next month! =)

i get to go shopping...for christmas and for our new place.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO (Part II)

why do i feel like i've just broken up with him for the second time in two years?

we're at the juncture of renewing our vows...

so why do i feel so sad?

FROM MY HEAD TO MY HEART

From my head to my heart
can't seem to find a way they're so far apart
It's not you, it's not your fault
You've got everything I could ever want
And you've always understood my intentions are good
and we've been so close from the start
but the furthest distance I've ever known is
From my head to my heart

i woke up with evan and jaron in my head.

i suppose this has always been the case.

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I’m so happy that you’re mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I’m sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

elvis' voice haunts me to no end.

the words ring with such familiarity...it's amazing.

as i sit here, pondering over the happenings, or the the lackof, of the day, i drift back to adeline's words earlier...

A: so how is your new love?

S: it's like that.

A: so sweet ah you two, send each other flowers. =)

S: yeah...he was feeling a little upset so i crept a rose up on him. =)

A: good for you.

S: yeah, thanks. =)

in other news...

i've made up my mind. =)

i'm choosing mark over mus.

and club street over caldecott hill.

my heart over my head.

MY BABY YOU

are the reason i could fly
and cuz of you
i don't have to wonder why
baby you
there's no more just getting by
you're the reason i feel so alive.

don't think i've ever had a girl call me that before...=P

today's probably the first time a girl expressly said...

"take care, my baby."

aww.

how sweet it is to be loved by you.

some people should just keep a bloody dictionary in their bags.

i get the creeps when someone uses a phrase or word they don't really know the meaning to over and over again, simply to show that they can use bombastic language.

i'm guilty of using such vocabulary in my daily speech.

unfortunately though, it's been ingrained.

big language is overrated.

let's try to break it down and keep it simple please.

and if you think you need to keep up with me, you really don't need to.

i've grown up in a different environment, different plane, different society.

and i'm in a job that requires my understanding of the language to be of prime importance.

speak your comfort, write your comfort.

on that note, i think i will start keeping one in my bag again.

a dictionary, that is.

REFLECTIONS OF MY LIFE

all my crying
feel like dying, dying
take me back
to my old home...

i harmonized to udang singing this at jas' post-wedding party, and it's been in my head since.

the megatron and i had gone to view a really cool space along club street.

good vibes and all aside, it's close to caliente, and to the recording studio. =)

if all goes well, we'll be moving in in the next couple of months.

things are going well...or not, i don't know.

i still haven't quite given mus my answer.

YOU REMIND ME OF A GIRL

...that i once knew.

"you look like an actress."

"who?"

"ivy lee."


the three stooges

with mexican tiramisu and kilkenny, boddingtons and corona down our throats, we went home.

*yawn*

i'm on the phone.

LONGER

i had attended a eurasian wedding reception saturday afternoon, and sang at the post-wedding party at penny black in the evening.

my first gig in a pub that was.

it was a fantastic experience. =)

but the part that touched me the most was trevor singing dan fogelberg's "longer".

jason said he sang it to caroline just before he proposed to her.

i just wish i would be able to hear this, and sing this to someone, someday, in the same fashion. =)

Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean
Higher than than any bird ever flew
Longer than there've been stars up in the heavens
I've been in love with you

Stronger than any mountain cathedral
Truer than any tree ever grew
Deeper than any forest primeval
I am in love with you

I'll bring fire in the winters
You'll send showers in the springs
We'll fly through the falls and summers
With love on our wings

Through the years as the fire starts to mellow
Burning lines in the book of our lives
Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow
I'll be in love with you
I'll be in love with you

Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean
Higher than than any bird ever flew
Longer than there've been stars up in the heavens
I've been in love with you
I am in love with you

thank you jason and caroline, for making me believe in love.

thank you, trevor, for singing it so beautifully.

GIVE ME ONE REASON

...to stay here, and i'll turn my back around.

so i have the weekend to think things through.

hopefully, i would've gained some clarity by the time the week is up.

how many times can you reject someone to get him to stop?

in this case, i'm glad he hasn't.

something tells me though, if i were to say "no" this time, he'd quit asking.

and i'm not sure i'm ready for that.

so i need the weekend to think things through.

thank you for believing in me, mus.

FLOWERS

i want to buy you flowers
it's such a shame you're a boy
cuz if you are not a girl
nobody buys you flowers

i'd like to refute that stanza.

i bought him a flower. oh all right...A flower, not FLOWERS.

last night though, he surprised me with a whole bouquet of them flowers.

at union square. wow.

"you bought me a rose yesterday, so this is for you..."



"you said sunflowers made you smile, so i got you some..."



"you said you liked budding roses, so i got you some buds and some in full bloom..."



"and you said your favorite is the orchid, so i got you orchids of different varietals..."



yes, my favorite is this.

wow...flowers.

for me.

=)

CARAMEL

i like boxing matches and football games
i wouldn't mind being an actress but i love to sing
i like going out, taking walks and stuff...

a twist of fate...


it's not what i imagined...

i could never imagine going out with him, because he had always appeared "too fancy".

but i am now. =)


roses

i got him a rose last night, intending to make him smile.

whatever i imagined, i did not imagine you.

whatever's been written, i lay down to rest.

whatever's been read, fulfills your reality.

those words don't reflect me, my reality, my past.

so they remain empty vessels...which do nothing for me, yet seek to question others' faith in me.

though...

if your faith's been swayed by another's mere words in a warped world, then perhaps i have no cause for worry.

for i'm right here.

real.

arms wide open.

smiling.

LOSE MY BREATH

can you keep up?

...with voyeuristic intentions?

get sucked into a vortex of wanting more and more...of something you're not sure is.

and yet, you live it, breathe it, as if it were real.

if it were, then this subject's probably not.

it's hard to keep up.

and i'm getting a wheeze.

SHAKE YA TAILFEATHER

funny ass song titles such as the above should be applauded...as well as the fella who came up with the term "funny ass". =)

in the spirit of asses this holiday season, i'd like to share with you a few asses that were quite willing to be profiled.


ass number one

i'm sure some of you know him.

he doesn't go to union very often these days, but people still go "woah" in his presence. ;)


ass number two

now this fella heads down to union and fiesta quite frequently.

also in viva. =)


ass number three

the laydees love her ass, especially when she's booty-shakin' in union. ;)

so i went back to the parents' home last week and my brother just had to do this...


gimme a piggin' hug

piggin' has been shedding nose-skin.

maybe he misses gwizzly, that's why. hmm.

anyways, gwizzly has the bed all to himself when i'm out during the day.

piggin' and gwizzly aside, here's another cute picture i caught...


say chee cheong fun!!

i always marvel at how cheeky some people can look with a camera.

they seem to walk around, snapping away with a vengeance.

of course, this fella was merely waiting for me to lower mine to accomodate his. =)

OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY

in time the rockies may crumble
gibraltar may tumble
they're only made of clay but
our love is here to stay.

memories are made of these...and i'll tell you why.

but first...


whatcha lookin' at?

here's ashley's favorite shot among those she snapped testing out her camera.

anyways, i had gone to the starhub imode launch party at the ACM with angus last friday evening.

'twas a star-studded event and we just hung around at the foyer till we were ushered into the main hall.

so while hanging there, i commented that i know this guy from the trip to tunisia. he's Tan Guong Ching...all i know is that he used to be from ST Telemedia.

so i go over to say hi...

Me: hi mr tan, how are you doing?

TGC: hey serene! i'm good! what're you doing here?

Me: oh we're one of the content providers for imode. how about yourself?

TGC smiles.

Me: are you handling the imode service?

TGC smiles, leans over and whispers...

"i'm the chairman of starhub."

oh yes, the literal head-banging with my palm started right there.

then of course, i saw noel (head of NEC Singapore) and told my boss i knew him too.


me and noel hon, head of NEC Singapore, who initiated the singapore kindness movement, and justice of peace.

think i left my brains at home that day since i couldn't quite figure out why noel was there until angus pointed out that NEC makes half the handsets meant for imode.

geez.

while angus was attacking the chocolate fountain post-terry clontz's speech, i was craving for savories...and so, we walked over to mcdonald's at boat quay.

we passed by this place...


ah sweet recollection

i signed my first contract with HBM here. =)

so saturday was gloria's birthday celebration, and waihwang and i went cake-hunting.

we saw so many glorious pastries that we couldn't resist trying out the oreo cheesecake ourselves...


guilty as charged

i'm a sucker for cheesecakes.

waihwang calls this the "serene looking guilty" pic...and describes it as one of the rare candid shots he has of me.

but it's also evidence that i eat okay?

i don't starve myself to death. =)

and finally, dinner in the evening with gloria and gang...


pretty babies

us girls had a good time savoring the "ZARA" from spizza - a chocolate-smeared pizza crust topped with banana slices and chopped almonds. YUMMY.

then it was off to union for a night of birthday dancing for glo and chinfee. =)

i had quite a bit of fun myself.

three fantastic bachatas with seb and geoffrey.

and many salsas with the usual suspects.

oh what a night.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

getting to know all about you.
getting to like you, getting to know you like me.

you smiled at me from across the room.

you walked towards me.

these things that you have seldom done before, you did tonight like second nature.

as you took my hand, i felt a huge tingle down my spine.

i was shy.

but i got a sense of familiarity from you.

and so, i said yes.

thank you for asking me to dance tonight. =)

(even at the risk of me knocking off your glasses again...)

AND SO IT IS

...just like you said it would be.



it's about time.

FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST

"skinnier," he said.

mukhtar couldn't recognize me because he's been away for months.

"i like the way you teach!"

josee checked out our first class from outside the studio.

"is sunday going to be this fun?"

alyssa, who's going over to the sunday class with her friends, asked excitedly.

as i sat in union last night, i realized one thing.

it was familiar, yet packed with surprises.

and i was comfortable.

if not for salsa, i would never have allowed myself to step into a club.

and if it weren't for salsa, i would never have thought of being THIS close to someone while dancing.

so my first cut, together with my first class of yesterday, is, and will always be the deepest.

i'm still very very much in love. =)

STARRY STARRY NIGHT

i had recounted one of the most amazing nights in my young life to a friend recently.

it was of me camping in the woods with my girls...and lying on our sleeping bags by a campfire, looking up at the expanse of sky right above us.

we were surrounded by trees which circled our camping area, so we saw a round area of sky.

but even in that round area, there were countless stars.

everytime i blinked, another few would seem to appear.

city life has left me jaded.

and though i've often thought myself as nothing less than a city girl, that sight drew me to a stop.

i suppose you can get such sights in singapore on a clear night.

all you really need is silent presence lying next to you as you gaze up at those wonders.

perhaps that's what i need.

i'd get lost in the planes of confusion otherwise.

FIXING A BROKEN HEART

is something i know not what to do.

i hope you understand...i had to administer it this way.

please take care, my friend.

and stay my friend.

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES (PART TWO)

not all bike riders look cool on their bikes.

not all pillion riders lean on the fella in front.

i recently hung out with a guy friend with a nice, big bike...and because i'm a little shy (oh stop sniggering and let me continue), i politely hold on to the guy's shoulders and lean back on the box behind me.

all's fine when he cruises along.

when he hits a bump or two though, my back hits a bump or two as well...against the box.

the first couple of times that happened, i tried to sit straight, but found it really odd.

but i couldn't possibly lean forward because uh...because i'm shy? (stop laughing!)

so i just grit my teeth and lean back. =(

and this just occurred to me...

the bike is pretty interesting.

because if i were hanging out with someone i don't really know in a car...we might fall into occasions of silence and it might get awkward.

with a bike, you can't really talk, so you kinda converse a lot at your destination.

there's not much communication during the bike ride, except for short stops at traffic lights where he turns back and grins at you or passes a quick comment.

i don't know where i'm going with this though.

hmm.

you called at the right time.

while i was silently screaming out for help...for anyone...just anyone to call.

and you did.

someone up there must be watching over me.

and thank goodness you did.

AND ALSO...

oh shut up already!

the guy comes in late, sits behind me and keeps quiet for most of the Q&A.

then as TTH asks if there're any more questions, he takes it as a cue to start...

...and i swear he went down the entire balance sheet! honest!

that aside, TTH remembers me and asks "you look very familiar, have we met?"

i was quite sure he wouldn't have remembered me then too, so i said "when you were in starhub."

and he goes "ah..."

hmm.

then again, he isn't the only person who finds me familiar.

even tim from M1 said i looked familiar the first time we met, then asked if i have done TV.

i wish man. =)

NBC, here i come!

A LIGHT AFFAIR

or so they call it.

it's a speed-dating game show sponsored by coke light.

and i was invited to go audition for it.

i was stumped by two questions during the screen shots...

"what do you look for in a guy?"

"what about a guy turns you on and what turns you off?"

uhhuh. i was stumped.

i said i didn't know..."a nice smile, perhaps?"

and she prompted "how about height or frame? it doesn't concern you at all?"

nopes.

hmm...i've come some ways now, haven't i?

VICTIM OF A FOOLISH HEART

how many times have people fallen prey to heartfelt matters and victimize themselves?

how many times can it happen to one?

hmm.

many times, apparently.

don't get me wrong, i'm not talking about myself.

anyways, back to the mundane happenings of the day...

i suppose the one thing that really stood out today was the interesting evening i had.

we went to a quaint little place at arab street (and can you believe it was the first time i've been along that stretch?!) for dinner and went hunting for a movie which never realized.

scintillating conversation never fails to make my day. =)

bad movie choices aside, i'd say tonight was one of the most relaxing times i've had in ages.

*of course, nothing beats the BBQ/movie marathon evening at glo's =P

the beating of the wind on my face made it a little numb, as i walked home.

so even if i had smiled involuntarily, i wouldn't have known. =)

and i suppose, sometimes, you think the world revolves around you.

i'm not out to hurt you with my words.

LADY IN RED

is dancing with me, cheek to cheek
there's nobody here, it's just you and me
that's where i wanna be.

i came home, showered, turned on the telly and see chris de burgh "live".

to think i could forget this beautiful song...

as he crooned those words, i just...well, i just felt.

perhaps one day, someone would sing it to me.

and ask me to dance. =)

SKIRTING THE ISSUE

i've got the flu blues.

just when i was so looking forward to training tonight.

thank goodness HP has been moved to the 20th...everything's falling into place just nicely. =)

i'm just sorry i can't jam with spyderhole for the wedding set. sorry, DP...

everyone who's seem me today likes the skirt i have on.

perhaps it's because of my hair (that's growing out) that makes the whole look more...feminine?

hmm.

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES

hmm...actually, this was meant to be an entry on friday night.

but i was too swept away by the bike rides to think straight. =)

so saturday evening saw the lot of us checking out THE GROOVE at east coast park.

and yes, we danced till we soaked in each other's perspiration...

and i danced with barry! but the song was majorly lengthy, so we had to stop three-quarters through.

the party really began when we got to gloria's place at almost 2300hrs.

since the rest were snuggled peacefully inside watching CLOSER, the few of us sat on the patio, enjoying the BBQ bits the rest had left.

so here's my diary of what happened...

why the hell they watched CLOSER, i don't quite know...but what a depressing start to a good night.


cocktail sausages...

i don't know what kinda obsession sebastian has with cocktail sausages, but he was seriously jealous to see us chomping on HIS (or so he proclaims) sausages.

but yes, after eating a couple, i can tell why he likes them. ;)

and the little kitties came out to play.

tito, patch and their mom hovered around the swing...


kitty likes me...

this picture would surely get loadsa hits on any personals site. =)

melt girls, melt.

so the kind biker taught me how to handle the little tyke...


altogether now...aww...

sweet little thing.

and mommy comes along...


miao...

of course there comes that time of the night, or morning, that your eyes get tired from the contact lens and so...


voila!

yes yes...little miss specky.

fortunately, i was told i looked "cute" in glasses.

so the crowd finishes their second movie HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT.

then they wanted to watch STRICTLY BALLROOM.

well, give the audience what they want...we say. so simon, waihwang, sebastian and i moped around on the patio for a bit and took some silly pictures...


down boy!

yes, the three of them had wanted to simulate a nekkid serene on the bike.

the poor owner of the bike must have had a fit when he saw this...=)

then we decided to head down to a prata place for teh.

me and my shorts...sigh. thank goodness for the fellas around me. =)

we come back to finally watch SHUTTER - the thai "horror" flick.

and weirong and shingling sat out on that one...though they were still freaked by the sound effects and vibration coming from the living room that they huddled...


heeelp ussssss!

these girls were seriously freaked.

but they're cool. =) *hugs*

a whole night of movies later...here's wayne and i on the swing...


what were you thinking, wayne?!

yes we do look like we just got outta bed, don't we?

but yo...we're brudders yo.

B-R-U-D-D-E-R-S.

then here're the rest of the survivors...after brunch...


bee hoon, chicken and cocktail sausages

and this is what the lack of sleep does to you...


EEEEKKKKSSSS!!!!

incestuous behavior...(think EUROTRIP, the movie)

but yes, it was a beautiful morning.

lying between two guys, seeing one getting molested by a kitty and listening to the sound of rain.

all that was missing was...

a little snuggle.

just a little one. =)

all right.

i get it.

FINE.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

c'mon baby, let's start anew
cuz breaking up is hard to do.

it's time, serene.

you've tried.

i'm so proud of you, girl.

RAIN ON ME

it was about time, i suppose.

i had managed to escape the rain for the past few days but earlier, i stepped outta waihwang's car and man...rained on me.

well drizzled, but still.

i walked home to an empty house, and it's only the first day the roomie's gone.

the rain, the house, at times even the studio, made me feel extremely vacant.

for points of the day, i felt void of emotion.

my only contact with feel was when i was dancing.

and while they were doing stuff in the studio, i was outside...

i try to smile my tears away
i try to keep my cool
oh but one more door gets in my way
i feel like such a fool

trampled and bitter
my heart just wants to bleed and stop
believing in me.

- safe in a crazy world, corrinne may.

i was appalled at how i looked like dancing...when i saw myself in the mirror.

sigh.

but yes, i've come a long way since that night someone said i had no style.

i'm a twit.

i need to know how to stop crying...even if it's in my sleep.

HATE HER

someone's angry at me.

i'm sad that he is, but i can't do nothin' about it.

how can i keep someone from feeling inferior when standing next to me?

anything i've done to make him feel so, it sure wasn't my intention.

ideally, no one should ever allow anyone else to make them feel that way.

but i'm human (shit i hate this...) and i've been made to feel inferior too.

by him.

he doesn't know it...but my self-esteem has been crushed to a minimum.

and that hasn't happened since my days with SIA.

i told daphne that i do not wish for anyone to sing me the song "you're beautiful".

i'd rather have him appreciate it with me.

the week that's past was probably the most difficult time i've had to face alone.

and yet, during that week, the song was knocked into my consciousness.

everywhere i went, i heard it.

every car i got into, the radio played it.

it seems like someone's trying to tell me something.

but, i've thought about it, and...

but it's time to face the truth.
i can never be with you.

no.

when it comes to such matters, no one can have enough power to tell you it's not possible.

anything is possible.

if chicken rice at purvis street on a saturday night was possible, then anything is possible.

i need to believe that.

why can't i?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

"yes, will see u at union. U know something? when i see you eating so heartily that day, i'm really touched and happy - can't tell a reason...even though i'm not a man, but it hurts me to see u getting thinner..."

my darling sister...

thank you for being there for me and helping me make the right choices.

i could never have thought we'd click from the moment we met.

but we did, and it's been quite a ride with you.

love you, ling. =)

Hello there!

Thank you for visiting Caliente@Studio82.

Salsa has been a journey for each of us at Caliente.

We all started salsa at different times and stages of our lives.

By some strange twist of fate though, we came together because of our passion for the dance.

But passion alone never made a voyage less turbulent.

In the past few months, we have fallen in and out of love with each other.

However, one pure and simple love held us together through all those difficult times - salsa.

It is with this purest form of emotion that we want to share with you our journey, ongoing, in the dance.

My dear friends, this is love personified.

And when something is a labor of love, you know you won’t get anything less.

That is our sincere promise to you.

Welcome to our world. =)

Viva la Salsa!

Viva la Caliente!

With a whole lotta heart,
Serene Lim
Principal Instructor
Caliente@Studio82

LET IT GO

no more holding back.

fear has taken another step towards the door.

guy across the table asks, "so serene, what do you do?"

after a moment's confusion, i said, "i teach dancing."

and then i realized what i said, and smiled.

notice that i said "i teach" and not "i manage".

whoever you are, thank you for pushing me to take risks.

and thank you for bringing thomas, jonathan, evelyn and boon cheong my way.

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you...

CALIENTE.

QUE SERA, SERA

i walked by the pool again.

but this time, i didn't cry.

i might've felt like tearing...but i didn't cry.

i looked at the spot where we danced, and the other spot where we sat and gazed at the stars...

...and then i smiled.

and then i saw a lizard run into the lift in front of me, and remembered the time you hugged me and shielded me from it.

i smiled at that too.

so today, for the first time in more than a week, i walked home without crying.

because those were beautiful memories not to be scorned at.

the walk we took back from the indoor stadium was wrecked with emotion and pain, but nevertheless, beautiful in its own way.

so thank you for those memories.

simon, ling and han lim:

thanks for coming over with food, cleaning up and uh...letting me run off before any of you finished watching that reality tv show.

LSG's back and she's stronger than ever. =)

the day went as usual...crying, moping, feeling vulnerable.

then all that just came to a screeching halt.

i was puzzled.

wasn't i feeling miserable just minutes ago?

hmm...

WOOHOO. =)

didn't have many good dances today, but i felt like home.

though what'll stick in my mind for a little while isn't how i got off my ass to dance tonight, or the vulnerability.

what'll stick is the ride on sebastian's bike.

i ended up hugging him for most of the way there...it was pretty darn freaky!

so yeah.

anyways, girls...if you think it's romantic hugging on to the guy biking, just know that you're wearing a helmet. he's wearing a helmet.

there's no way you can stick yourself to him because your...ahem...helmets will collide.

what an experience. =)