MOM'S THE WORD

i just had a rather resigned conversation with the mother over the phone.

as i spoke, i teared and now i've launched into full-blown sobs.

she reminded me it's just one day and after that, all will be over and we can get on with our lives.

she reminded me that i have to compromise to make everyone else happy.

I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS!

AND I'M ALREADY THROWING IN THE TOWEL.

BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE EXPECTED TO GIVE IN?

WHY IS THERE SUCH AN EXPECTATION PLACED ON ME?

i love him so much, but i feel as each day goes by, i'm losing more of me.

i cannot defy convention now because i cannot bear for him to go through what i'm experiencing now.

the wedding. the living.

that's two of the biggest things i might ever be giving up.

fucking patriachy.

i can't say it out loud.

but the one thing i want to do now is...

go back to disneyland and keep my eye on them fireworks.

have my snuffy hubby and JP along with me.

and get hitched right there.

i just don't feel like facing all these people anymore.

and i just broke my promise to myself.

STUFF IT LAH, SERENE.

i believe my mom was joking when she said some years ago that i could "elope" to get married, so will "save a lot of money".

all things considered, that sure seems like the best idea now.

i just want to keep being in love with him, marry him and move on.

without all the politics and fuss.

and more tears.

of course, my mom would be appalled that i actually heeded something she said.

i wonder when i'll lose my marbles and throw in the towel.

so much for always having declared to make the wedding work for us, and not others.

COUNTING BLUE CARS

maybe this is growing up.

to stop whining and perhaps do something about things.

or not.

i learnt that i can't always want things my way.

and that i shouldn't put others through my mess.

so if now's not the right time for things to be said, then i shouldn't push it.

it will only bring me and the others more pain and heartache.

but when it's deemed the right time to say it...

i'm hoping what i say will not break someone's heart.

nothing's ever easy.

so i learnt today.

THE ONE GOOD THING

about being on the verge of tears the whole afternoon is...

you get naturally red cheeks.

but also bloody high blood pressure.

is this worth it?

IF I KISSED YOU

i'm back.

i'm engaged. =)

100 YEARS

the boyfriend buzzed me online today and reminded me we first got together on the 28th two months back.

we proceeded to wish each other the best...haha.

while in emily's car (she was sending me back after class this evening), i told her of how we've been together for two months today and she goes "so how are you celebrating?"

i go "celebrate?"

and then i realize how many couples actually do celebrate this kinda thing.

first month, second month...until i don't know when.

i replied with how we "celebrated" our first month.

again, the boyfriend buzzed me online about how he realized we both forgot about our one-month anniversary the day before.

and then we proceeded to wish each other the best. =P

you see...i guess we're just not into counting.

we've been celebrating our love for each other every single day, and more so when we meet up so we can physically express our affection for each other.

so really...what's there left to celebrate on the 28th of each month? =)

more love than usual?

surely that can't be possible. =)

i'm sure we'll find a cause for celebration when we get the chance to.

and how my vocabulary just sucks in this post because i use that one word way too much.

we've only got a hundred years to live.

SOMEBODY LIKE YOU

had dinner with the boyfriend's family this evening, then went to one of his friends' place for a game of citadel.

i usually don't take to instructions very well and prefer to play a round to understand the new game.

and i always amaze myself with how i play the it.

for someone who hasn't played these games before, i think i add a pretty interesting perspective.

playing such games would also reflect one's personality.

anyways, it was a fun game and i'd love to play it again. =)

on a separate note, while sending me home post-citadel, the boyfriend's ex-classmate (in the backseat) asked a rhetorical "it's the least he can do right, sending you home?"

no.

it's no obligation.

whoever dictated a boyfriend code which stated chauffering the girlfriend around was a must?

the boyfriend is not my chauffer.

if he does go out of his way to give me a lift to anywhere, i know it is only because he wants to hold my hand for that 20-minute trip, send me up to my place and say hi to the folks.

and kiss me goodnight.

but no. no obligation to send me home or anywhere, ever.

same goes for doing things for/with each other.

we do them only because we really want to, and not because we think the other party will like it and so we do it to keep him/her happy.

we need to be happy doing it too.

i'm happy he is forward-looking and optimistic.

counters my morbidity and cynicism.

and here's a tune from today's random selection thrown out by the iPod...

There's a new wind blowing like I've never known
I'm breathing deeper then I've ever done
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

And I'm letting go of all my lonely yesterdays
I've forgivin' myself for the mistakes I've made
Now there's just one thing, the only thing I wanna do
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you

I wanna feel the sun shine, shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
you let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and a two steps back
Couldn't walk a straight line, even if I wanted to
I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you.

COME TO MY WINDOW

i remember telling my mom once how happy i was that the boyfriend and i could spend time together with each other's family.

to which she asked if we would spend some time back at our home as well.

and i said "of course".

i haven't.

and i do feel guilty.

truth is that i spend quite a bit of time at his place...partially because there is more space and perhaps, more privacy.

the most likely reason is i just want to spend time with him, so i'll just try to go wherever he goes.

i do want to spend time at home, but i feel slightly awkward asking him to hang at my place.

like today...i had thought of heading home to pack so i wouldn't have to worry about hurriedly dumping clothes into the suitcase just before i leave for macau early saturday.

it took me a lot of pondering before i could even broach the subject of him coming over.

and even as he said yes, i withdrew for a while and asked myself if i should just leave him be with his free evening, and i just head home myself.

argh. i don't know.

guess those seemingly passing comments do stick enough to make me think twice about asking him to hang with me at my home.

i do love being with him at his place.

but i did believe the scenario to be my answer to mom's question.

now i don't know.

home.

i'm split. well, sorta.

RAIN

it's pouring this morning.

seems like the bucket up there was holding up pretty well yesterday to allow us all the comfort of finally walking the streets without worries of getting wet.

at least for a day.

early monday morning, the boyfriend and i exchanged gifts.

he had been eyeing cuff links for as long as we've been together and i love seeing him in his ET shirts.

(i call them the ET shirts because the cuffs are monogramed with his initials. =))

i hate having to settle for mediocrity...even when it came to cufflinks.

so while i couldn't find absolutely perfect ones, i guess the simplicity of the pair i got him came quite close.

he gave me a card, which had me tearing as i read it. and then he read it out to me.

"when i fell in love with you. then you fell in love with me. then we fell in love together."

i didn't quite get what that meant, until he read it out and slowed it down for me.

that's another thing i'm thankful for.

my mind works in bullet train-seconds so sometimes i just can't see micro enough.

and then he gave me a pair of somethings, which i've had on since that morning.

we spent the whole of yesterday together.

with friends, with family (and too much chocolate in the refridge).

the company made everything that much more perfect.

big fuzzy hugs to you guys who made it to CBTL for brunch on monday.

the word i can best use to describe the morning was 'colorful'. =)

colorful characters in a cosy setting.

colorful conversation.

colorful outfits.

colorful smiles.

all in all, a beautiful, laughter-filled, colorful morning.

thanks to our resident paparazzi photog for his shots (which should be in circulation once he actually gets some sleep).

thank you for the wonder and magic you've brought to my life.

the coming weekend and next will be yet another adventure, i'm sure.

MOM'S THE WORD

'twas out shopping with the matriach yesterday, and boy did i shop.

at the end of the trip, my stash included two tops and a pair of sports shoes (finally!).

i almost forgot how comfy sports shoes were.

i'm happy to have found the perfect pair of asics for me...and to top it all off, it was my mom's christmas gift to me!

met josee after for a chocolate-making session which ended up with me heading to upper club at chijmes with hands smelling of baileys-flavored schokolade.

the boyfriend had this wedding thing to do the whole day and was only able to accommodate a late night date with me post-wedding dinner.

so as i trotted down to the hilton, i stopped by CBTL to grab the usual, then strolled along the rest of the way watching the crowd of people and cars rush by.

i felt good. =)

a most productive day before my late night rendevous with the most loving man i've ever met.

we shall be heading over to my family's for an evening of good food and wine, and off to a party by his friends.

i hope he'll like his gift.

i know i love his.

it's enough to hold me through for christmas, new year(s) and birthdays.

no more tears girl.

MY BABY YOU

this is probably the umpteenth time i've used this song as theme to a blog.

it's funny how the random selection of songs on your ipod library seems to be able to pick out tunes to reflect exactly how you feel for the morning.

walking out of chinatown mrt station onto pagoda street, tracing the string of moss on the moist tiles of the stretch under the gentle pitter patter of drizzle.

marc anthony ballads are perfect for such weather.

especially this song he supposedly wrote for his daughter, and cried the first time he performed it on stage (thereafter vowing never to sing this song LIVE ever again).

while the boyfriend and i share many fundamentals, we still do have differing opinions on subjects.

and we talk about them, mostly online.

because when we physically meet up, we simply can't...talk.

we just melt into each other's arms, do the baby-language thing, and just love each other.

he is so real.

the only difference between him being with me and him being with his pals is that he whispers to me, and is very soft-spoken.

and he manages to sense my most vulnerable moments to step in and just hug me till i'm done being upset (mostly because i laugh till i can't cry no more).

so here's my song for the day for you, mi novio.

As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life’s worth a thousand skies

You’re the simplest love I’ve known
And the purest one I’ll own
Know you’ll never be alone

My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And cause of you
I don’t have to wonder why
Baby you
There’s no more just getting by
You’re the reason I feel so alive

Though these words I sing are true
They still fail to capture you
As mere words can only do

How do I explain that smile
And how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground

I will soothe you if you fall
I’l be right there if you call
You’re my greatest love of all

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM

after having been beaten down once too many times, i've become afraid to dream.

when once i could see my life 10 years from now, i now refuse to even look beyond the next month.

because the past has shown me how things could turn in a month...and my world came crashing down then.

in spite of my experiences, i have friends who want to see me soar.

they encourage me to keep dreaming.

and offer help of all sorts to aid in my dream-making.

so if i didn't do it for me, i did it for them.

for their time spent on the mess of me.

for their tears, hugs and handshakes.

for the occasional msn note of "i will always remember you singing 'you've got a friend' at camp".

and for nudging me forward into a budding relationship.

i have a lot to be thankful for.

my eulogy would read very differently now than it did when i first wrote it at 18.

because now, i have enough hope to keep me dreaming for a long time to come.

it's like a sling shot: you get pulled all the way down.

but from that, you gain enough momentum to propel yourself all the way to oblivion.

simon, waihwang, eric, shingling, weirong, daphne.

thank you for giving me the strength to dream.

ycsog.

thank you for not giving up on me.

elmie, ernie and cookie.

sis loves you.

come home soon, you guys.

I'VE GOT SUNSHINE

it's nice to be able to walk out onto the streets, knowing your shoes will stay dry this morning on your way to work.

and that you can stroll to your office without having to dodge puddles of mud on the flooded cracks in the pavement.

the sun always radiates with such positive energy.

and this is especially evident after three dreary days of rainpour.

so while i was set for the day and happy as a lark, he had to make it even better.

"dear, are you busy? do you want to do lunch?"

and because i usually can't do lunch with the usual lunch crowd, today seemed special...because i could.

so with the sun out, a bowlful of ramen settled in my tummy, and many little kisses from the boyfriend, i'm ready to face the rest of the day with ultimate gusto.

okay, now hurl. =p

DROPS OF JUPITER

i never saw myself as one who would be insecure about the guy i was with.

so the past few days i was dazed and confused about why i seemed like i am.

in the end, it dawned on me that i am not insecure about him.

i am insecure about myself.

i'm afraid...

i would end up crushing him with the weight of obligation.

he would compromise himself to make me happy.

i would hurt him most because he loves me so intensely.

and if i keep all this within myself, i'm afraid i would burst one day.

but it would be unfair to lay it all out on him.

just because i'm insecure about me.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . .
And me.

i shouldn't require you to reassure me.

i shouldn't wonder why you love me.

i shouldn't bother you with my rambling.

i shouldn't feel this way.

i shouldn't.

because then, it will never happen.

because i will not allow it to happen.

what a screw-up i am.

what a bloody screw-up.

i can't even see something good even if it comes and farts at me in the face.

TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE

at dawn's early light
and too much in love to say good night.

i used to think whatever bliss i get would be short-lived.

then while i'd enjoy it, i'd also be looking out for signs of it fading.

of course, we all know that i wouldn't REALLY be enjoying it then.

i think i'm still looking out for warning signs.

so what's new?

i've stopped fighting my emotions, for one.

it's a long road, getting past the hurt caused by the physical and mental manipulation of the past.

him loving me the way he does perpetuates the intense pain.

but unconditional love sure helps.

it purges me of all that anger i have buried deep down.

so as i basked in his love, i also sobbed in his arms.

sweet surrender.

even with my eyes all puffy and red, he looks at me softly, pushes my hair back and tells me i'm beautiful.

he tells me he wants to care for me for always, if only i'd let him.

and he writes that i am amazing and strong.

it wasn't love at first sight, or second, or third.

it is love that blossomed over four changing seasons, and respect that arose out of each other's prose.

and with every other tear that is shed tonight and for many other nights to come, my love for him will grow.

if this goes on, i think my tricuspid valve will give way in a few moments.

two sleepy people
with nothing to say
and too much in love to break away.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

i started out the day with the boyfriend at breakfast and a copy of the straits times.

i ended it with an xbox 360, aching calves and hamstring and bad cramps.

it's a long story, but the boyfriend and i raced a whole lot today and contended with THE female emergency.

all's well now but the cramps ain't going nowhere.

the boyfriend's amazing. =)

and i just can't say it enough.

I'M ALL SHOOK UP

it's been said that a good bachata happens when the couple have a connection with each other.

often, this means they'll fall into silence, hug each other and enjoy the dance.

i closed my eyes dancing tonight's solo bachata tune with him.

we whispered to each other some baby language and he muttered something which made me laugh out loud.

while i was trying to keep my eyes shut and feel all taken by the dance and him, there he was with his hip thrusts and little weird quips.

i couldn't help but just pop my eyes open, laugh again and just look at him.

adoringly. =)

it wasn't the connection i had in mind, but i'm cool with this. =)

HER WORLD

it felt weird signing up for it.

but i did.

or we did. =)

i could not ask for more.

i feel in my heart
the start of something new.