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for this is where i know i'm home.

how different would someone be, crossing the 21st age line?

is it even remotely possible for someone to think "hey it's time to be a responsible adult" the minute he turns 21?

if it were that easy to switch modes like that, why wouldn't they have "enlightened" themselves at the other two landmark ages of 16 or 18?

why the big 2-1?

and if 21's the major turning point, why are there still idiots who behave like fucking imbeciles at the age of 26, 28 or even 31?

so maturity and responsible behavior doesn't come with age. uhhuh.

and people give seemingly sensible speeches on their 21st birthday...thanking their parents, relatives, friends, friends' girlfriends (hey i don't know what they do behind closed doors...)and all that jazz.

then they get pissed drunk during the course of the night and begin all their childish nonsense in the morning again.

day one after 21st birthday.

so much for that speech.

though i gotta admit...the last birthday speech i heard really got to me.

my baby brother celebrated his 21st birthday over the weekend.

i'm pretty sure he had intended to just sit back and chat with his friends till they wanted to leave.

then my cousin started chanting "speech speech speech..."

and so came the dreaded silence before he collected himself to say something.

i felt almost bad for him as everyone looked up at him, expecting him to burst into a flurry of eloquence.

i didn't need to.

my brother showed them.

he showed them why he was 21.

and he showed me he had the right to make that speech.

you see, my brother had leukemia.

there were points in the early stages of his treatment when he was hanging on to the blood bank for dear life because the drugs were too strong and they created ulcers in his bodily tubes.

he bled.

out of desperation, we had him ferried to a bigger hospital, where they pumped blood directly into his heart via a line.

i can still remember the doctor's exact words...

"this boy is very weak and he is at a very critical stage. but we will try our very best to save him."

i didn't cry. i just couldn't.

my parents sobbed and waited it out.

i just sat there.

and then the doctor came out.

"we managed to put a line directly to his heart. it is highly risky but we needed to risk it because he was losing too much blood. any infection of this line will be fatal. so we have to be very careful."

yes, my brother was still alive.

i remember walking to the bathroom...hovering over the sink, and suddenly collapsing into a sobbing mess...

though by the time i rejoined my parents at the ICU, i was back to "normal".

my brother was 12 then.

when i lived at home with my parents and brother, i'd creep into his room every night...just to check if he was still breathing.

going to his room became such a habit that we'd always spend some time chatting in his room or mine.

every night.

so when he made that speech last saturday evening, and he thanked his mom, his dad, his grandaunt and his sis...it was too much for me to handle.

all those images threatened to flush through my mind...the catch to that little closet was getting loose...

the thing that saved me from bawling my heart out was my relative's thunderous applause.

after which, my brother said...

"many things have changed through my life. and things are going to change. but one thing will remain, and that is love."

*cue the thunderous applause once more

i admire my brother.

he has balls.

he is THE REASON for my existence.

i live for him.

and he...

he lives within me, wherever i may roam.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUGENE.