looking back at how i was in primary school, you would never think i'd turn out to be like this...not that i've gotten rid of that inferior complex.
i remember this one time when i asked my mom if all non-goodlooking girls will grow up to look beautiful. i remember she said that they most probably will.
such inane questions...yet so much insight as a little one.
in secondary school, i rose to become one of the more well-known (read: popular) faces around. i bore a neverending stream of committments and people respected me somewhat...whatever people respected you for in secondary school i don't know. i guess at that time, it did feel good to be thought of as THE ONE.
then in mass comm, i started off just fine...working off the steam leftover from secondary school, except that i was more wary of people, having found myself just a few months earlier. after a few knock-downs, i just couldn't be bothered anymore. i went about my work, choosing to focus on getting good grades and working towards that one goal. interpersonal relations didn't matter to me. i mean...i wasn't a bitch, but i wasn't lil' miss sunshine either. i became labeled as "unapproachable". well, at least the people who've worked with me called me "independant" and "focused" rather than a plain and simple "bitchy".
so i leave poly, and my focus wavers for a bit because my goal turned out to be THAT unachievable. i retreated even more as i realized how unattainable that goal seemed to be.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
i got my ears pierced yesterday...but that wasn't the denuemont of the day.
rather, it was saying the things i've always thought about out loud, and actually letting them sink in.
was out with rachel the whole day...just hanging and talking. of course, there's the usual male-bashing but that wasn't the IT (c'mon guys, you don't expect it all to be about you, do you?). the whole day was about us feeling good as girls, and how it's a blessing to be women. it was about empowerment, and of how despite being rated secondary by the patriachy, we've managed to work with our place in society, and rise above the shit the patriachal order expects us to fall from.
men are simple creatures. women, though often generalized as confused, complicated and emotional beings, are more often that not, as simple-minded as men...of course, you've gotta strip them down to nothingness to be able to observe that. at the end of the day, both species want the same thing.
i told rachel that most women let emotion get the better of them, and that's the part men don't get. arguments are mere "bleeps" in their lives...they don't ponder over it like women do. women get paranoid, lose sleep and cry over things like that. when quarrels happen, women think "shit...does this mean it's over? does he not want me anymore? i don't know what i'll do if he stops wanting me...", while men, on the other hand, would think of it as a meaningless tiff. the trouble sets in when both species refuse to even try to understand each other...because both are too stubborn and have too much pride.
pride gets in the way of a hell lotta things. people refuse to act on their feelings, or stand by their words because PRIDE's the name of the whole game. i've taken to equate PRIDE to BEING ON GUARD of late. quite recently, i tried setting aside some of my pride to make something work, and when that came crashing down on me, i got sorely disappointed and somewhat hurt. so the moral of the story is: trust your instincts. if you think it ain't gonna happen, it probably won't.
tell the people who try to turn you to fuck off.
rather, it was saying the things i've always thought about out loud, and actually letting them sink in.
was out with rachel the whole day...just hanging and talking. of course, there's the usual male-bashing but that wasn't the IT (c'mon guys, you don't expect it all to be about you, do you?). the whole day was about us feeling good as girls, and how it's a blessing to be women. it was about empowerment, and of how despite being rated secondary by the patriachy, we've managed to work with our place in society, and rise above the shit the patriachal order expects us to fall from.
men are simple creatures. women, though often generalized as confused, complicated and emotional beings, are more often that not, as simple-minded as men...of course, you've gotta strip them down to nothingness to be able to observe that. at the end of the day, both species want the same thing.
i told rachel that most women let emotion get the better of them, and that's the part men don't get. arguments are mere "bleeps" in their lives...they don't ponder over it like women do. women get paranoid, lose sleep and cry over things like that. when quarrels happen, women think "shit...does this mean it's over? does he not want me anymore? i don't know what i'll do if he stops wanting me...", while men, on the other hand, would think of it as a meaningless tiff. the trouble sets in when both species refuse to even try to understand each other...because both are too stubborn and have too much pride.
pride gets in the way of a hell lotta things. people refuse to act on their feelings, or stand by their words because PRIDE's the name of the whole game. i've taken to equate PRIDE to BEING ON GUARD of late. quite recently, i tried setting aside some of my pride to make something work, and when that came crashing down on me, i got sorely disappointed and somewhat hurt. so the moral of the story is: trust your instincts. if you think it ain't gonna happen, it probably won't.
tell the people who try to turn you to fuck off.
a mass mail i sent out friday...
my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.
so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.
the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.
just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...
i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.
i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?
to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.
serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.
thing is: i can't.
my week of leave has effectively come to a crashing end.
so it is not with a heightened sense of well-being that i return to work with, but with a heavy heart and a constant struggle to tell myself to just "fuck it" and move on or to stay and see everything through.
the details aren't important. what is...is that i've allowed such things to get to me, when they used to be mere flies i just swat off. people have told me how nice it is to see the change - moving on from that jaded mess with no feel, to someone who's sharing somewhat.
just a few days ago, i was telling this one person that i don't want to feel. feeling is such a bane and i lose my focus if i start feeling. but he's convinced me that it's a good thing...to feel. i guess that's when i started letting my guard down a little. then, guess what? same thing happens...vicious cycle repeats itself...
i spent the last night, feeling extremely angry with myself, and sparring internally. it was the usual "fuck it serene...what's the point...these people aren't worth it". but i guess deep down, i know they are...that's why i was trying to bring out that best in them. i just hope that they wouldn't keep taking advantage of me that way.
i sense myself turning back into that jaded mess. will someone kindly pull me aside and slap me before i reach the point of no return?
to the people who haven't seen me the way i was in poly: please forgive my impending actions and attitude. i'm regrouping...and that means feelings will not be meaning anything to me anymore. i've tried to change that...but i guess i've been driven to such a point where i've decided this is the best way to do things.
serene: smile and tell the world to screw it...no one matters that much. you've only got two hands...there's only so much you can do. tell the rest to just fuck it.
thing is: i can't.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
an entry from lainey's blog, supposedly inspired by me. then again, we've kinda led such parallel lives when it comes to the subject matter...
"it seems that this is the classic move of guys this days. i mean, i got out of the dating scene and got into a full-time relationship for two years. and this is the classic move that has besieged me and my girlfriends of late.
1) guy expresses interest
2) girl responds favourably
3) guy adores girl
4) girl wants to take things slow.
5) guy wants a commited relationship.
6) guy promises girl the world.
7) girl relents.
8) girl feels adored.
9) guy tells girl, "let's just hang out and have fun".
10) girl goes "what the fuck???" but has no other fucking option.
i don't want to be some male-basher, but what the fuck is going on and what the hell do you guys want? leg warmers to prevent blardy cold-feet???? go back to the eighties man."
"it seems that this is the classic move of guys this days. i mean, i got out of the dating scene and got into a full-time relationship for two years. and this is the classic move that has besieged me and my girlfriends of late.
1) guy expresses interest
2) girl responds favourably
3) guy adores girl
4) girl wants to take things slow.
5) guy wants a commited relationship.
6) guy promises girl the world.
7) girl relents.
8) girl feels adored.
9) guy tells girl, "let's just hang out and have fun".
10) girl goes "what the fuck???" but has no other fucking option.
i don't want to be some male-basher, but what the fuck is going on and what the hell do you guys want? leg warmers to prevent blardy cold-feet???? go back to the eighties man."
perhaps i should change my blog title to catharsis...as inspired by lainey. after all, writing is my outlet. but, like lainey, my writing seems to jinx everything.
just one week after my previous entry...here i am, all fucked up yet still going. i mean, no one needs to tell me to pick myself up and stay strong...cuz i know i'm capable of it; that no matter how much of rock bottom i seem to be at, i'd still be able to go about with my life. so you asses: don't, for even one second, think i'm to be messed with.
i've regrouped. so i guess i've failed myself to some extent. i haven't been able to keep caring...or stay on my "changed" track. i'm back to the "screw you all" stage, and completely devoid of all feeling. of course, i can still act some, and tell you what you want to hear...behave like i'm the only one who understands. fuck it serene.
i want to sleep...let the darkness engulf me...take me as a whole for once. at least night rages won't be able to consume me if i were to fall into deep slumber.
just one week after my previous entry...here i am, all fucked up yet still going. i mean, no one needs to tell me to pick myself up and stay strong...cuz i know i'm capable of it; that no matter how much of rock bottom i seem to be at, i'd still be able to go about with my life. so you asses: don't, for even one second, think i'm to be messed with.
i've regrouped. so i guess i've failed myself to some extent. i haven't been able to keep caring...or stay on my "changed" track. i'm back to the "screw you all" stage, and completely devoid of all feeling. of course, i can still act some, and tell you what you want to hear...behave like i'm the only one who understands. fuck it serene.
i want to sleep...let the darkness engulf me...take me as a whole for once. at least night rages won't be able to consume me if i were to fall into deep slumber.
Monday, October 13, 2003
it's a wonder how close proximity can lead two people to do certain things.
it's like, a force so great that can even belittle the like-pole theory...in the physical sense, at least.
i mean...we were in the gallery, and right under everyone's noses, he put his hand on my knee...left it there. i, of course, had to have zilch expression so as not to give it away.
geez.
it's like, a force so great that can even belittle the like-pole theory...in the physical sense, at least.
i mean...we were in the gallery, and right under everyone's noses, he put his hand on my knee...left it there. i, of course, had to have zilch expression so as not to give it away.
geez.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
People talk. To me. Some of them get so comfortable they spill life's trials and tribulations in the short period of time we spend together.
Then there are those who don't. Talk, I mean. And I know I should be glad they don't pour everything out to me, but I guess I'm just a little unnerved by it all. I realize these people probably care too much to unload their emotional baggage on someone who's already hunched from the load on her back.
I simply can't remember when this whole "talk to serene" thing started, or how it "got about". It does seem like Cole brought out the shrink in me, with our constant intellectual sparring and me trying to get him to think out of the box. Then there were my few babies in CNH, Summer 2001. We stood by each other...cried in each others' arms. Coming back to Singapore, as freaked and wary as I was about the world, I still managed to let my guard down enough for people to talk to me. Thing is: I don't get them to talk. They just do.
On my most recent London trip, I did expect to be bonding with my team girls. I ended up spending time in the room of one of them, listening to how she grew up and all. Then came the tears. Now that's another thing. Tears. It's dawned on me quite recently that when people speak to me, they usually end up crying at some point. And I do feel bad about that. Sometimes I try to force the tears out just to make them feel less alone, but most times, it doesn't work that way.
My only outlet, to this day, is my writing and sharing little bits of myself with the people who speak to me. I don't narrate my life story, but I do tell whatever's relevant to their situation and the conclusion of it. Geez...I do sound like a freakin' 50-year-old.
Ms Kuan just sent me an sms this afternoon...asking if Cole fancies me. I smiled to myself as I read that, at the same time wondering where the hell she got that idea from. She said VIBES. And VIBES seem to be what's getting everyone talking about HIM and I. Oh well, we'll see where those VIBES take us...
Then there are those who don't. Talk, I mean. And I know I should be glad they don't pour everything out to me, but I guess I'm just a little unnerved by it all. I realize these people probably care too much to unload their emotional baggage on someone who's already hunched from the load on her back.
I simply can't remember when this whole "talk to serene" thing started, or how it "got about". It does seem like Cole brought out the shrink in me, with our constant intellectual sparring and me trying to get him to think out of the box. Then there were my few babies in CNH, Summer 2001. We stood by each other...cried in each others' arms. Coming back to Singapore, as freaked and wary as I was about the world, I still managed to let my guard down enough for people to talk to me. Thing is: I don't get them to talk. They just do.
On my most recent London trip, I did expect to be bonding with my team girls. I ended up spending time in the room of one of them, listening to how she grew up and all. Then came the tears. Now that's another thing. Tears. It's dawned on me quite recently that when people speak to me, they usually end up crying at some point. And I do feel bad about that. Sometimes I try to force the tears out just to make them feel less alone, but most times, it doesn't work that way.
My only outlet, to this day, is my writing and sharing little bits of myself with the people who speak to me. I don't narrate my life story, but I do tell whatever's relevant to their situation and the conclusion of it. Geez...I do sound like a freakin' 50-year-old.
Ms Kuan just sent me an sms this afternoon...asking if Cole fancies me. I smiled to myself as I read that, at the same time wondering where the hell she got that idea from. She said VIBES. And VIBES seem to be what's getting everyone talking about HIM and I. Oh well, we'll see where those VIBES take us...
Thursday, August 21, 2003
i'm sitting in the darkness
looking out at sea
wondering if there were
ever a chance for us to be
we're from two separate worlds
as two could never be more different
you've got your ways
i've got...my words.
yet the strangest thing is
i'm drawn to you
then again...
look behind your own soul
and the person that you see
just might remind you of me...
i laugh, i love, i hope, i try
i hurt, i need, i fear, i cry
and i hope you feel the same things too
so we're really not that different
me and you.
looking out at sea
wondering if there were
ever a chance for us to be
we're from two separate worlds
as two could never be more different
you've got your ways
i've got...my words.
yet the strangest thing is
i'm drawn to you
then again...
look behind your own soul
and the person that you see
just might remind you of me...
i laugh, i love, i hope, i try
i hurt, i need, i fear, i cry
and i hope you feel the same things too
so we're really not that different
me and you.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
tal vez - perhaps.
tal vez...pero yo quiero un amor perfecto
mi corazon es muy triste.
Perhaps...because I want the perfect love
My heart is very sad.
the above ain't lyrics of a song...but the term "tal vez" did stem from ricky martin's new hit of the same name. before i even checked out the meaning of "tal vez" in the dictionary, the song seemed to call out to me..."perhaps if i had done this...or that, perhaps if i had acted on my feelings...perhaps". when i did find out the meaning of "tal vez", i got a total shock because i had been able to read the meaning of the song through the feelings emoted by the words and music.
as i heard the song for the first time, my mind just filled with mental images of days past. i wrote the two lines above in spanish, and not english, simply because spanish (stemming from latin) is the language of love. wait...i'm so cringing as i type out the letters "L-O-V-E". many a time i've wondered how i could write so eloquently about the four-letter word, yet never have had experienced it before (in the romantic sense, that is).
perhaps...when i do meet THE ONE, i'd stop writing such angst-filled words. though words are really all i have.
perhaps...i've been pushing love away in order to keep these words.
despues de todo, no soy nada sin estas palabras.
after all, i'm nothing without these words.
tal vez...pero yo quiero un amor perfecto
mi corazon es muy triste.
Perhaps...because I want the perfect love
My heart is very sad.
the above ain't lyrics of a song...but the term "tal vez" did stem from ricky martin's new hit of the same name. before i even checked out the meaning of "tal vez" in the dictionary, the song seemed to call out to me..."perhaps if i had done this...or that, perhaps if i had acted on my feelings...perhaps". when i did find out the meaning of "tal vez", i got a total shock because i had been able to read the meaning of the song through the feelings emoted by the words and music.
as i heard the song for the first time, my mind just filled with mental images of days past. i wrote the two lines above in spanish, and not english, simply because spanish (stemming from latin) is the language of love. wait...i'm so cringing as i type out the letters "L-O-V-E". many a time i've wondered how i could write so eloquently about the four-letter word, yet never have had experienced it before (in the romantic sense, that is).
perhaps...when i do meet THE ONE, i'd stop writing such angst-filled words. though words are really all i have.
perhaps...i've been pushing love away in order to keep these words.
despues de todo, no soy nada sin estas palabras.
after all, i'm nothing without these words.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
i just awoke from this odd dream. deja vu yet again. all my freakin recurring dreams are night rages ('cept this happened in the day)...ending in me suddenly getting up, realizing i've been bawling my eyes out. i also feel really sad after these dreams and get extremely thirsty (duh, probably from the loss of water).
i was thrown smack in the middle of this seemingly welcoming family. then everything started to turn on me...my faux brothers and sisters plotted to throw me out, and no one else in the family would believe whatever i was telling them. that's the gist of it all.
the image that's clearest in my mind is when i approached "my room" in that house, i simply couldn't walk in. instead, i turned away, crouched by the stairwell and cried...the sorta cry that renders you breathless and speechless...and i just couldn't stop. then i woke up, and found my mom's pillow drenched with tears and me having tight knot in my chest.
i was thrown smack in the middle of this seemingly welcoming family. then everything started to turn on me...my faux brothers and sisters plotted to throw me out, and no one else in the family would believe whatever i was telling them. that's the gist of it all.
the image that's clearest in my mind is when i approached "my room" in that house, i simply couldn't walk in. instead, i turned away, crouched by the stairwell and cried...the sorta cry that renders you breathless and speechless...and i just couldn't stop. then i woke up, and found my mom's pillow drenched with tears and me having tight knot in my chest.
Monday, August 18, 2003
london's such a wonderous place to be in...this, in spite of how snobbish some of those racist asses can be. pple there can be pretty self-centered, but i guess it's a city thing.
while on the tube one day, i gave up my seat in a crowded carriage to a little boy traveling with his parents. and while it was only for a stop before he got off, his parents were extremely grateful, and i, in return, got a loadful of stares from other passengers. why? was it such a rare sight to see someone giving up his/her seat? or was it just odd to see a chinese girl being sensible and thoughtful to a brit?
i've only started sharing my blog with others recently. never thought of doing that for the fear of some pple realizing that the blog's about them. but it's all a'ight.
this young chap told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind committment...he's 18. that totally shamed me for a bit. how could this guy, who's four years younger than me, decide that he's ready for that kinda committment, while i, at 22, get totally ruffled at the thought of a monogamous and serious relationship? sure, there are times when i wish there were someone who'd work my mind to infinity and to share my drivel with. then there are those times when friends who are attached remind me how cool it is to be single and seemingly unavailable. wait...lemme erase the word "seemingly". there.
i just can't stand the "huh? no boyfriend? sure or not?" phrase. i really don't understand why everyone has to say that...is it supposed to be a compliment (as in, you're such a great person why don't you have a significant other) or sarcasm (i can already picture those pple holding a capital L to their foreheads)? every time i hang out with crew outstation, the topic of "boyfriends" would definitely come up in the conversation. and it seems that pple have skipped the "do you have a boyfriend" question and jumped straight to "does your boyfriend do this or that". cue the silent laughter and incessant responses of "no". fine...you want me to say it out loud? i'll say it: I'M SINGLE, UNAVAILABLE (due to personal reasons) AND HEARTLESS (with men). and oh, have i mentioned that i've never been in a relationship before? if the above renders me a LOSER, so be it. wait, lemme change some of that. i'm 22, single, and proud of meself (at least i try to be).
while on the tube one day, i gave up my seat in a crowded carriage to a little boy traveling with his parents. and while it was only for a stop before he got off, his parents were extremely grateful, and i, in return, got a loadful of stares from other passengers. why? was it such a rare sight to see someone giving up his/her seat? or was it just odd to see a chinese girl being sensible and thoughtful to a brit?
i've only started sharing my blog with others recently. never thought of doing that for the fear of some pple realizing that the blog's about them. but it's all a'ight.
this young chap told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind committment...he's 18. that totally shamed me for a bit. how could this guy, who's four years younger than me, decide that he's ready for that kinda committment, while i, at 22, get totally ruffled at the thought of a monogamous and serious relationship? sure, there are times when i wish there were someone who'd work my mind to infinity and to share my drivel with. then there are those times when friends who are attached remind me how cool it is to be single and seemingly unavailable. wait...lemme erase the word "seemingly". there.
i just can't stand the "huh? no boyfriend? sure or not?" phrase. i really don't understand why everyone has to say that...is it supposed to be a compliment (as in, you're such a great person why don't you have a significant other) or sarcasm (i can already picture those pple holding a capital L to their foreheads)? every time i hang out with crew outstation, the topic of "boyfriends" would definitely come up in the conversation. and it seems that pple have skipped the "do you have a boyfriend" question and jumped straight to "does your boyfriend do this or that". cue the silent laughter and incessant responses of "no". fine...you want me to say it out loud? i'll say it: I'M SINGLE, UNAVAILABLE (due to personal reasons) AND HEARTLESS (with men). and oh, have i mentioned that i've never been in a relationship before? if the above renders me a LOSER, so be it. wait, lemme change some of that. i'm 22, single, and proud of meself (at least i try to be).
close your eyes, let darkness take you
free your mind, embrace this feeling
now you're back into these arms of mine
these lips to kiss your tears away
ain't no one gonna take this love away no more
take my hand, there's no denying
hidden plans, fate's had a hand in
crying silent tears of pain on lonely summers' nights
i'll never let you hurt this way again
(to be continued...)
free your mind, embrace this feeling
now you're back into these arms of mine
these lips to kiss your tears away
ain't no one gonna take this love away no more
take my hand, there's no denying
hidden plans, fate's had a hand in
crying silent tears of pain on lonely summers' nights
i'll never let you hurt this way again
(to be continued...)
Friday, July 18, 2003
I'm being way to hard on the boys. I've been placing so much on the word "DATE", that anyone who's ever asked me out on a date would receive an outright rejection, and a slap in the face to boot. Just a couple of days ago, this guy who's a year younger tried to date me, and received the following response: You're too much of a joker and I know not when to take you seriously and I'm a prissy bitch who gets bored easily.
Now, that's just one of my many "witty" responses to date. Guess I'd prefer to be bitchy and upfront about my thoughts rather than ignore the poor fella. After all, isn't it easier for the guy to think I'm an ass than receive a "no" in response?
People nowadays seem to be using that four-letter word too loosely...or is it just me being totally prissy to think that? I've always thought the word held a romantic connotation, and should only be used by someone who's, at least, remotely interested in the person he/she's asking out. Has the meaning of the word evolved into an equivalent of "hanging out"? Dang.
Then again (I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve right about...now), such immediate and sharp comments could very well stem from my defence mechanism of an invisi-shield.
Yes...I know that once the men realize that I was just trying to be considerate to their feelings by putting myself in a bad light, they'd be ranting about how they can take rejection and shit. Men? Accept rejection in a heartbeat? No way. Well, at least for the ones I've encountered. Their defence mechanism would be to find something horrid about you and focus on that, then make it seem as though you've got the problem. Here's the kicker: they immediately turn from people who adore you to people who detest you. How funny is that?! Then there are those who seem to accept the "can we just be friends" line, when they're really just thinking of how to get back into your pants.
It's amazing how interested I am in such events. Should probably study anthropology next.
How can a person who's never been in a real relationship understand and question such to the extent she has?
Could this be my way of breaking out of that jaded shield of mess? Or am I doomed to stay that "prissy bitch who gets bored easily"?
Now, that's just one of my many "witty" responses to date. Guess I'd prefer to be bitchy and upfront about my thoughts rather than ignore the poor fella. After all, isn't it easier for the guy to think I'm an ass than receive a "no" in response?
People nowadays seem to be using that four-letter word too loosely...or is it just me being totally prissy to think that? I've always thought the word held a romantic connotation, and should only be used by someone who's, at least, remotely interested in the person he/she's asking out. Has the meaning of the word evolved into an equivalent of "hanging out"? Dang.
Then again (I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve right about...now), such immediate and sharp comments could very well stem from my defence mechanism of an invisi-shield.
Yes...I know that once the men realize that I was just trying to be considerate to their feelings by putting myself in a bad light, they'd be ranting about how they can take rejection and shit. Men? Accept rejection in a heartbeat? No way. Well, at least for the ones I've encountered. Their defence mechanism would be to find something horrid about you and focus on that, then make it seem as though you've got the problem. Here's the kicker: they immediately turn from people who adore you to people who detest you. How funny is that?! Then there are those who seem to accept the "can we just be friends" line, when they're really just thinking of how to get back into your pants.
It's amazing how interested I am in such events. Should probably study anthropology next.
How can a person who's never been in a real relationship understand and question such to the extent she has?
Could this be my way of breaking out of that jaded shield of mess? Or am I doomed to stay that "prissy bitch who gets bored easily"?
Monday, April 07, 2003
I met the sweetest little girl yesterday. Her name's Nina and she's nine. I've just become her first penfriend.
I was operating a flight back from Perth. Nina's family was seated right at the back where the galley was. They seemed like normal people, traveling back to Switzerland from an extended holiday. It seemed that way until I noticed how this little girl kept smiling at me whenever I passed. After the bulk of work was done, the lull period allowed me some time to interact with her and her family (consisting of her dad, mom and bro). Nina and her brother couldn't speak English too well, so they needed their parents as semi-translators. Ursula (Nina's mom) told me about their holiday and how their family worked...without TV at home, and living on a huge grassland with a fantastic view of the Swiss Alps. They also built their own house. Ursula and her husband believed in teaching her kids through experiences, not the telly. The only things they could watch on TV were educational programs. On their 13-week holiday around New Zealand and Australia, the children were also made to keep a diary. They had to make at least one entry each day.
Anyways, to cut a long story short, I was totally fascinated by the family and its children, so much so that I sorta suggested that I'd like to write to the kids some time. Nina was ecstatic! She actually let out a loud "woo hoo" when her mom told her about the idea. She even said she couldn't wait and wanted to write me there and then...haha. So I gave her some postcards and she actually wrote me a sweet little note in German...how cool is that?
I then wrote my email and home address for Ursula, and she, in turn, gave me a picture of the four of them with their address on the back! Ursula told me that Nina wanted to get a kebaya just like mine from Changi Airport and I promised to bring them to the outlet that sold it. So, after disembarking, I found them waiting for me outside the gate. The whole set of crew were sorta amused that this family was waiting for me. Then, as I went up to meet them, Ursula pulled out a camera and said that the children really wanted pictures to remember me by. The scene was really funny! I felt like some kind of a star for the moment. Before I brought them to the outlet that sold the kebaya, Ursula told me that Nina had a present for me. Nina then gave me this bag with a little kangaroo keychain inside. Her mom said Nina had bought it with her own money in Perth, and had initially wanted to hang it on her school bag when she got back to Switzerland, but later decided to give it to me as a souvenior. I was too overwhelmed for words at that instant. Imagine...a nine-year-old was giving me, a total stranger, a present just because she had a feeling about me. I couldn't cry then, but I was totally welling up inside.
I walked them to the DFS outlet to get the kebaya, and decided to pay for it. Nina seemed a little confused, and her mom really didn't want me to pay, but I did. It really was a touching scene as I left them because we all just hugged and said goodbye. Nina hugged me especially hard.
I'm still reeling from the warm feeling. Although the little kangaroo Nina gave me didn't cost a lot, it meant something to her. To others, my gesture of paying for her clothes might have been a little too much, but when I think of how this girl, so genuinely sweet and innocent, shared something with me, money doesn't even come within sight.
The little kangaroo is the sweetest thing anyone has ever given to me. Just looking at it makes me all warm inside...and makes me wonder what kind of a person I am.
That little girl broke through my shield. And with her, I didn't have to wear any masks.
I was operating a flight back from Perth. Nina's family was seated right at the back where the galley was. They seemed like normal people, traveling back to Switzerland from an extended holiday. It seemed that way until I noticed how this little girl kept smiling at me whenever I passed. After the bulk of work was done, the lull period allowed me some time to interact with her and her family (consisting of her dad, mom and bro). Nina and her brother couldn't speak English too well, so they needed their parents as semi-translators. Ursula (Nina's mom) told me about their holiday and how their family worked...without TV at home, and living on a huge grassland with a fantastic view of the Swiss Alps. They also built their own house. Ursula and her husband believed in teaching her kids through experiences, not the telly. The only things they could watch on TV were educational programs. On their 13-week holiday around New Zealand and Australia, the children were also made to keep a diary. They had to make at least one entry each day.
Anyways, to cut a long story short, I was totally fascinated by the family and its children, so much so that I sorta suggested that I'd like to write to the kids some time. Nina was ecstatic! She actually let out a loud "woo hoo" when her mom told her about the idea. She even said she couldn't wait and wanted to write me there and then...haha. So I gave her some postcards and she actually wrote me a sweet little note in German...how cool is that?
I then wrote my email and home address for Ursula, and she, in turn, gave me a picture of the four of them with their address on the back! Ursula told me that Nina wanted to get a kebaya just like mine from Changi Airport and I promised to bring them to the outlet that sold it. So, after disembarking, I found them waiting for me outside the gate. The whole set of crew were sorta amused that this family was waiting for me. Then, as I went up to meet them, Ursula pulled out a camera and said that the children really wanted pictures to remember me by. The scene was really funny! I felt like some kind of a star for the moment. Before I brought them to the outlet that sold the kebaya, Ursula told me that Nina had a present for me. Nina then gave me this bag with a little kangaroo keychain inside. Her mom said Nina had bought it with her own money in Perth, and had initially wanted to hang it on her school bag when she got back to Switzerland, but later decided to give it to me as a souvenior. I was too overwhelmed for words at that instant. Imagine...a nine-year-old was giving me, a total stranger, a present just because she had a feeling about me. I couldn't cry then, but I was totally welling up inside.
I walked them to the DFS outlet to get the kebaya, and decided to pay for it. Nina seemed a little confused, and her mom really didn't want me to pay, but I did. It really was a touching scene as I left them because we all just hugged and said goodbye. Nina hugged me especially hard.
I'm still reeling from the warm feeling. Although the little kangaroo Nina gave me didn't cost a lot, it meant something to her. To others, my gesture of paying for her clothes might have been a little too much, but when I think of how this girl, so genuinely sweet and innocent, shared something with me, money doesn't even come within sight.
The little kangaroo is the sweetest thing anyone has ever given to me. Just looking at it makes me all warm inside...and makes me wonder what kind of a person I am.
That little girl broke through my shield. And with her, I didn't have to wear any masks.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
The Long and Short of It
Is that the oppression of today?
The cake on my face - my oppression
The sparkling smile - my oppression
Am I really that fake?
Do I feel such because I am depressed?
Or simply because I am woMan?
I have been branded "Oppressed".
Flashback to a time when they said I was "too skinny".
"Your uniform seems a little tight now".
Question: To slim down or not to?
Emaciated images reduce me
To plain jane mangled mess.
Just be yourself? Bull.
Who the hell am I?
Staring out of the window
Chanced upon a couple quarreling in the next block.
Then suddenly, she spun around
"What do you think you're looking at" slapped me in the face.
Woke up in cold sweat wondering
If HE was watching me then
I was paranoid.
Dawned on me then
Perhaps I was HE
Maybe I was...BIG BROTHER.
Then I cried.
For the past few nights I cried.
What is happening to me?
I'm turning into what I've feared most.
I'm becoming...sheep.
Baa...Baa...
Somebody please help me!
I don't want to conform!
Help...please help me...
I want to rage.
But can I?
Should I?
Do I have the strength to?
Help me...please.
Who am I?
Is that the oppression of today?
The cake on my face - my oppression
The sparkling smile - my oppression
Am I really that fake?
Do I feel such because I am depressed?
Or simply because I am woMan?
I have been branded "Oppressed".
Flashback to a time when they said I was "too skinny".
"Your uniform seems a little tight now".
Question: To slim down or not to?
Emaciated images reduce me
To plain jane mangled mess.
Just be yourself? Bull.
Who the hell am I?
Staring out of the window
Chanced upon a couple quarreling in the next block.
Then suddenly, she spun around
"What do you think you're looking at" slapped me in the face.
Woke up in cold sweat wondering
If HE was watching me then
I was paranoid.
Dawned on me then
Perhaps I was HE
Maybe I was...BIG BROTHER.
Then I cried.
For the past few nights I cried.
What is happening to me?
I'm turning into what I've feared most.
I'm becoming...sheep.
Baa...Baa...
Somebody please help me!
I don't want to conform!
Help...please help me...
I want to rage.
But can I?
Should I?
Do I have the strength to?
Help me...please.
Who am I?
Monday, February 10, 2003
4th February 2003, Tuesday, Zurich, Switzerland
Is there such a term as "snowing cats and dogs"? Or is "cat's and dogs" a gloom term used purely for rain, and the sadness that it brings? If the latter is true, then I guess it would just be snowing "heavily" outside right now.
It was just a visible amount of specks earlier, but while having my spaghetti bolognese at the Letzileu, the sprinkle turned into a torrential rain of cotton balls. Though the term "torrential" brings to mind soggy socks, drenched everything, thereby making you stay in just to avoid the cold and such, the same term, when used to describe rain, brings to mind a beautiful scene...a scene which makes one want to rush straight out into the open just to lap up the romance and feel that snow's supposed to bring.
Then again, why am I all holed-up in my hotel room at the Intercontinental writing this piece? Could it be because of my throbbing head that my lack of enthusiasm stems from? Or could it just be that the snow, in all its wonder, brings me back to a time when I still believed in romance and love?
*The snow seems to be much heavier now...is it mocking me?
I don't want to feel sad at the sight of snow...
If rain means that the heavens are tearing, then could snow come from the tears of the people up there, which have been frozen by the the non-existent emotions of the jaded?
*The winds are getting stronger.
If so, is there hope for people like me? Are we doomed to be stuck forever in such emotion-less purgatory?
A bird just flew by. It looks so free, even when going against the wind.
Why do I feel so trapped by the snow? What if I never find a way out? I'm watching Elizabeth Taylor on Larry King Life. How sad is that.
Is there such a term as "snowing cats and dogs"? Or is "cat's and dogs" a gloom term used purely for rain, and the sadness that it brings? If the latter is true, then I guess it would just be snowing "heavily" outside right now.
It was just a visible amount of specks earlier, but while having my spaghetti bolognese at the Letzileu, the sprinkle turned into a torrential rain of cotton balls. Though the term "torrential" brings to mind soggy socks, drenched everything, thereby making you stay in just to avoid the cold and such, the same term, when used to describe rain, brings to mind a beautiful scene...a scene which makes one want to rush straight out into the open just to lap up the romance and feel that snow's supposed to bring.
Then again, why am I all holed-up in my hotel room at the Intercontinental writing this piece? Could it be because of my throbbing head that my lack of enthusiasm stems from? Or could it just be that the snow, in all its wonder, brings me back to a time when I still believed in romance and love?
*The snow seems to be much heavier now...is it mocking me?
I don't want to feel sad at the sight of snow...
If rain means that the heavens are tearing, then could snow come from the tears of the people up there, which have been frozen by the the non-existent emotions of the jaded?
*The winds are getting stronger.
If so, is there hope for people like me? Are we doomed to be stuck forever in such emotion-less purgatory?
A bird just flew by. It looks so free, even when going against the wind.
Why do I feel so trapped by the snow? What if I never find a way out? I'm watching Elizabeth Taylor on Larry King Life. How sad is that.
Saturday, January 25, 2003
crush is outta my head...like, totally. thank god...haha.
am now starting to get all paranoid over my law exams. don't really think i can cope with all four papers but i sure as hell am gonna try. am gonna piece my life together again and get it back on track, meaning i'm gonna study the hell outta me. once yen is back in melbourne, it's just gonna be me, my books and the library...
would really like to get back into shape...as in, stamina-wise and muscles, instead of flab and fats. am so totally disgusted with those deals.
am now starting to get all paranoid over my law exams. don't really think i can cope with all four papers but i sure as hell am gonna try. am gonna piece my life together again and get it back on track, meaning i'm gonna study the hell outta me. once yen is back in melbourne, it's just gonna be me, my books and the library...
would really like to get back into shape...as in, stamina-wise and muscles, instead of flab and fats. am so totally disgusted with those deals.
Friday, January 10, 2003
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
dude,
why do you so remind me of the soulmate i had? the one that didn't work out and became my best friend...purely because we ran along the same wavelength. it's heartwarming to finally get to know someone who's so potentially cole, yet so unique in his own way. while i have to admit wondering if you were just another one of those guys who picks girls up in bars (thus the note), you seem to be somewhat more normal and grounded (normal as per my subjectivity, of course). then again, you might be one of those "i'll-just-say-whatever-you-want-me-to-say" kinda guys...and i wouldn't know.
for the past few weeks, things such as chapter 2s and stuff have been popping into my mind now and then. and while i recognize all these thoughts as terribly trivial, compared to everything else that's going on in the world and my life, i just can't help them clouding my head some times. i wish these thoughts would stop.
my usual method of getting rid of these thoughts would be to avoid the person in question, and not have any contact with him whatsoever...for quite a while. i've never quite acted out on these thoughts. probably because i'd hate to have someone treat me as i've treated others...something similar to going cold turkey. my feelings are mostly induced though, so ridding myself of them is relatively easy. or perhaps, as my mom puts it, i truly am a "cold person".
so thank you for passing me the note. it was a really nice gesture and something i thought would only happen in stories. and oh, thank you for being whatever you were after that. because from what i saw, you sure have no lack of smooth in the charm department. it's just my bad for feeling this way.
you're a complete mystery to me.
why do you so remind me of the soulmate i had? the one that didn't work out and became my best friend...purely because we ran along the same wavelength. it's heartwarming to finally get to know someone who's so potentially cole, yet so unique in his own way. while i have to admit wondering if you were just another one of those guys who picks girls up in bars (thus the note), you seem to be somewhat more normal and grounded (normal as per my subjectivity, of course). then again, you might be one of those "i'll-just-say-whatever-you-want-me-to-say" kinda guys...and i wouldn't know.
for the past few weeks, things such as chapter 2s and stuff have been popping into my mind now and then. and while i recognize all these thoughts as terribly trivial, compared to everything else that's going on in the world and my life, i just can't help them clouding my head some times. i wish these thoughts would stop.
my usual method of getting rid of these thoughts would be to avoid the person in question, and not have any contact with him whatsoever...for quite a while. i've never quite acted out on these thoughts. probably because i'd hate to have someone treat me as i've treated others...something similar to going cold turkey. my feelings are mostly induced though, so ridding myself of them is relatively easy. or perhaps, as my mom puts it, i truly am a "cold person".
so thank you for passing me the note. it was a really nice gesture and something i thought would only happen in stories. and oh, thank you for being whatever you were after that. because from what i saw, you sure have no lack of smooth in the charm department. it's just my bad for feeling this way.
you're a complete mystery to me.
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